Man With Extensive Hat Collection Who Chose Life Without Kids Shames Others for Not Having Kids

BUENOS HIPOCRITAS, SPAIN — Speaking at a recent mass held at Our Lady of the Divine Double-Standard, Pope Francis expounded upon recent statements he made, chastising people for choosing not to have children. “A society with a greedy generation,” the Pope told an audience in St. Peter’s Square, “that doesn’t want to surround itself with children, that considers them above all worrisome, a weight, a risk, is a depressed society.” Some who view this pope as being “progressive” thanks to his commentary on capitalism and taking care of the poor, might be dismayed or shocked by his seeming to turn his progressive views on a dime, and Pope Francis addressed those concerns directly in Buenos Hipocrita, Spain over the weekend.

“There have been some who can’t understand how I could be so forward-thinking on issues like taxes and the economy,” intoned Pope Francis, “and still cling to such antiquated dogma like ‘be fruitful and multiply’ when we very clearly have a hard time feeding the poorest among us now.” The high pontiff paused a moment, smiled, then threw up his hands to his shoulders in a shrug, “Uh, I’m still Catholic guys.  In fact, I’m like the Catholic,” Francis was laughing now, “So maybe stop being surprised when I say some Catholic-y shit?”

Pope Francis, known already for being a “straight shooter” also addressed the issue of whether he was being a bit duplicitous by advocating for other people to have many children, while having chosen a life of deliberate celibacy for himself. “Yeah,” Pope Francis said, “you all should be totally surprised that the figure head of one of the largest and oldest religious organizations would be say one thing and do another,” the pope again was laughing quite heartily.

“Because none of you have ever seen a televangelist get caught shtooping his secretary, right?” Francis continued, “Living life by the ‘do as I say, not as I do’ mantra is half the appeal of becoming a salesman for God. What? You’ve never heard of a priest or other man of the cloth getting caught stealing from his congregation or proclaiming to be an upstanding family man all the while hiding the fact that he’s got three families in two states?”

“Look,” said Pope Francis has he leaned against the pulpit in the cathedral, “I have hundreds and hundreds of priests in my organization. How am I supposed to keep them entertained if there isn’t a fresh batch of children to molest and then hide the evidence of their molestation every year?”

The Argentinian took a deep breath and said, “Hey, if we didn’t dictate to other people what their sexual morality should be all the while participating in a massive cover-up of a systemic problem of child molestation and abuse, would you even recognize us as the Catholic Church anymore?” What if you can’t afford to have children? The pope had an answer to that, “God will provide. Sure, we have billions of dollars in priceless artworks and historical artifacts we could sell to help people feed and clothe their kids, but don’t worry about that.”

To those concerned about the millions of children in the world who already don’t have loving parents and dependable home lives, Francis said, “Yeah, it’s too bad there isn’t some technological breakthrough that’s now a few decades old that could help prevent you from unwanted children, and instead let you only get pregnant when you knew it was right for both you and the baby, huh? Like some kind of anti-contraception devices, know what I mean? Oh well, nothing that a few dozen million more mouths on this planet to feed can’t fix.”

The Vatican could not be immediately reached for comment, though if we spent $200 in the gift shop first, we were told the pope would “bless” any interview questions we submitted.


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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