Man Blames Violent RPGs For Inspiring Him To Attack School Full Of Young Wizards

LONDON, ENGLAND — Authorities with the Ministry of Magic are confirming at this hour that a man has been apprehended while attempting to attack a school of young wizards.

“At approximately half-past two this afternoon, Mr. Tom Marvolo Riddle, alias Voldemort, alias He Who Shall Not Be Named, was arrested outside the gates of Hogwarts Castle,” Sgt. Enos Slaughter told various members of both the wizarding and Muggle press. “Mr. Riddle is in custody, as are a handful of a members of a cult he started, something about eating death, not sure how that’s even possible, but whatevs.”

Sgt. Slaughter told reporters that Mr. Riddle is being questioned in connection to a number of attacks on various “half-bloods” — people with magical abilities from non-magical parents. Slaughter also confirmed some details that were already reported but not confirmed in previous reporting about Riddle’s motives.

“Mr. Riddle told us that he was inspired to carry out his attack because he has played a lot of violent RPGs, or role playing games, on his Playstation 4 console,” Slaughter reported. “He said he had been plotting this attack for some time, and that returning to his old alma mater to carry it out was something he knew he just had to do, but that he might not have done it if not for all the time playing those violent RPGs filled with dragons, magical powers, and lots of carnage.”

Slaughter indicated that Riddle and his fellow cult members were “armed to the teeth” with both legally and illegally obtained wands and curses. Some have already said this incident speaks to the need for tighter, common sense wand and curse reforms. It’s argued that the ubiquity of wands and dark magic may not be a problem for every wizard or witch, but that clearly starting with the baseline legal position that everyone is entitled to a wand and curses is fundamentally flawed.

“We’re not saying every wand and book of curses needs to be rounded up, burned, and broken,” Minister Digsby Glinterstick told us. “We’re just saying that perhaps now, in this modern time of ours, it’s a good thing to have a long talk with ourselves over just who want to have access to these implements of killing. Sure, not every wand is used for these nefarious purposes, but enough have been to where it seems prudent to have that dialogue.”

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The National Wand and Curse Association’s spokeswoman Bellatrix Loesch told us that she thinks any calls for wand control are “dangerous and anti-wizard.”

“If anything, this proves that we need more wands in more peoples’ hands,” Loesch told us. “Because the only thing that stops a bad wizard with a killing curse, is a good wizard with a killing curse.”

Loesh also blamed Hogwarts strict policy of not allowing students to use their wands in combat as a major cause for concern.

“Sure, Hogwarts isn’t a wand-free zone,” Loesh said, “but not allowing students to use the killing or cruciatus curse are pretty much the same thing — legally tying the hands of every law abiding wand owner in that school, simply because they’re young and untrained with their weapons. Pure cuckery, if you ask me.”

Tom Marvolo Riddle has been taken to Azkiban Prison for processing.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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