Local MAGA Supporter In Hospital With Burns on Feet After Nike Protest Goes Awry

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Right-wing podcaster and country music singer/songwriter Jethro Bohiggins is in stable but critical condition with third degree burns on both feet, and he says he doesn’t quite know just yet when he’ll be released.

“Fam, I’m laid up in St. Mary’s of the Broken Wind and prolly will be for the next couple weeks at least,” Bohiggins wrote on his Twitter account today. 

Mr. Bohiggins says that he was rushed to the hospital yesterday because his planned demonstration and boycott against shoe company Nike “hit a bit of a snag.” Jethro is upset and angry that Nike decided to shelf a line of shoes that featured the Betsy Ross flag, which is a version of the American flag from the country’s revolutionary period. Nike made the move after being consulted on the shoe line by former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick, who made them aware of the fact that white supremacist groups have co-opted the Betsy Ross flag and use it in their imagery and propaganda.

“I do not regret my protest, fam! I am boycotting the living hell out of Nike for their un-American, anti-liberty stance! Sure, I already owned the shoes. Sure, I was just lighting about a hundred bucks worth of merchandise on fire,” Bohiggins said, “and that means Nike already had my money and I was basically burning it twice. But sometimes you gotta do something that don’t make no sense…you know…for freedom.”

Jethro says he’s “horribly and deeply offended” by Nike’s choice and he wishes President Trump would order them to release the Betsy Ross shoes anyway.

“I am a small government, free market Republican, but sometimes you gotta use force to bring people before your God Emperor King and make them kiss the ring,” Jethro explained. “You know, for freedom and shit?”

Bohiggins says people who are offended by the Betsy Ross flag being on Nike’s shoes are “prolly the same cucks” who are offended by confederate flags and monuments to confederate soldiers and generals.

“Oh, what? We’re just supposed to write about these people in history books, and not built monuments in appreciation of their efforts to keep black people as property for the rich elite of the south,” Bohiggins asked rhetorically. “Fuck that noise, fam. Typical Democrats. Can’t even see the good we’re doing on their behalf, protecting their monuments. We all know the KKK was started by Democrats. So why we’re protecting symbols of hate that the KKK likes is beyond me, but Rush and Hannity ain’t told me how to reckon with that cognitive dissonance yet, so I’m just ignoring it, folks.”

Though Jethro doesn’t know exactly how much longer he’ll be in the hospital, he says he’s not worried about paying his medical bills.

“I ain’t no moocher! I’ll work it off washing dishes in the cafeteria or something. Sure, it’d be nice if I knew my taxes paid into a system where I got basic healthcare, but that’s another thing Hannity and Limbaugh ain’t quite got me programmed quite right on just yet,” Bohiggins tweeted. “But don’t worry about me, fam. I got plenty of copies of Stormfront to keep me busy, and my wife said she’ll come by and give me a massage. Cousin Susie’s always given the best massages.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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