3 Ways to Tell If You’re in a Cult or Believe in a Vast Electoral Conspiracy Without Evidence For Another Reason

Are you in a cult?

Before you answer that, stop and really think it over.

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Are you in a cult?

Seriously, don’t knee-jerk react. Read the question. Give yourself some time and space. Then, answer it.

Are you in a cult?

To be completely fair, it is pretty easy to be in a cult and not know it. In fact, that is one of the defining characteristics of being in a cult; not knowing or believing that you’re in a cult. Cults come in all shapes and sizes, from the rather benign (like rabid fandoms for TV shows or movies), to the really rather quite violent and dangerous (like the Girl Scouts of America). There are cults for every interest and activity. If you like something, chances are there’s a cult devoted it.

Perhaps one of America’s most famous and popular cults is one of its newest cults. It’s the one that wears red hats and gets violently angry when you count votes because they were cast. It’s the cult that believes the rantings and ravings of a delusional, sundowning, barely literate tax fraud and sexual predator over anything else, to the point that they believe in a vast electoral conspiracy that has been laughed out of and dismissed out of every court it’s been presented in.

Do you belong to that cult? Do you belong to the MAGA cult? The easiest way to tell if that’s the case, is to ask yourself whether you believe the baseless, insane, and comical conspiracy theories about one side cheating the other, or if you understand that “counting” and “cheating” are two words that have different meanings and look drastically different from each other. But, what if you happen to believe in the electoral conspiracy, and aren’t a member of the MAGA cult? How can you tell if that’s the case?

Look no further, we got you covered.

3 Ways to Tell If You’re in a Cult or Believe in a Vast Electoral Conspiracy Without Evidence For Another Reason

#1. Nah, You’re Really in a Cult

Look — there is no point in mincing words. You are 100% in the cult if you think for even two seconds that the same exact electoral system that put your guy in place four years ago was somehow drastically altered for this year’s election. It wasn’t. Well, maybe it was easier for real Americans to vote, which does seem to hurt a certain party invested in suppressing turnout, but if for even a nanosecond you entertain one of the absolutely insane theories floated by Sidney “Rat Face” Powell or Lin “Old Balls” Wood, you are in the MAGA cult, and it doesn’t matter what you saw otherwise.

#2. Seriously, Jethro, You’re in the Fucking Cult

Not to belabor the point, however, it’s inescapable. It’s a direct relationship. Taking the bullshit claims of the MAGA cult at face value means you are in the MAGA cult. It’s like when you walk by an outhouse and the odor of shit wafts up through your nose. The shit cannot claim it smells bad for any other reason, and it also can’t claim it’s anywhere else. If you believe the lies about cheating in the election on a wide scale, you are the piece of shit in the outhouse.

#3. For Reals Though, #YoureInaCult

They say if you repeat things enough, eventually it sinks in and you memorize it. Hopefully we’ve repeated this enough, but just in case you need it one more time: #YouAreInaCult. For realsies. You can’t hide from it. You can’t deny it. Trump Derangement Syndrome is not what you think it is, but you definitely have it. The only cure for it is getting the fuck out of the cult though, so we’ll be here for you if and when you’re able to make that first big step.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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