Allow me to say from the start that I understand it sounded pretty crazy and unrealistic when Rep. Madison Cawthorn (Q-NC) was recorded on video telling constituents and fundraisers that since he’s been in Washington, he’s been invited to cocaine-fueled orgies hosted by fellow Republicans. I know that because he didn’t name anybody specific, it might have seemed untrue, and I totally get how because Madison has a penchant for, well, being totally and completely full of shit, how that complicates matters even further.

All that being said, let me just also say that I am here to confirm the rumors. Yes, Madison Cawthorn has been invited to orgies. I know this for a fact because I attended one with him last year.

And. It. Was. Wild.

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I am probably not allowed to give any of the details about what I saw that night, not in any graphic way at least. I wouldn’t want this website to get shut down. I don’t know the rules about scat porn and at a Republican orgy, boy are there a lot of fucking pieces of shit. However, I can confirm some very basic details.

• Matt Gaetz was there and was not happy that his cell service was so shoddy. He wasn’t able to get his Venmo payments to go through to the high schooler who was his date that night.
• Mitch McConnell’s love of coal isn’t just metaphorical. Boy does he really LOVE coal, if you know what I mean.
• Bestiality must be legal in D.C. because I saw a horse involved in things that would make anyone blush. I hope Marjorie Taylor Greene’s stable hands got her off her hooves and she’s resting comfortably after what I saw.
• Vlad Putin was very, very into Madison’s mouth. Now, don’t get it twisted, I never saw him fuck Maddy’s mouth. Putin just liked that Madison was willing to say anything he could to rile up Republicans and was honored that he’d consider calling Zelensky a thug.

So, take my account with whatever sized grain of salt you need. You don’t have to believe me. However, I know what I saw, and I know what I heard, and on a semi-related note, I need to go to my doctor’s appointment now to be fitted with hearing aids and to see if my sight will ever be restored. Republican coke orgies are quite literally a nightmare nobody should have to experience.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytV1T-1P9RE&t

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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