Raving, Power Mad Lunatic Threatens Nuclear War, Also North Korea Makes Threats

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Sources close to the situation say that at the time of publication, U.N. officials are meeting to discuss how to handle a threat of nuclear war that was just issued by a “raving, power mad lunatic.”

“President Donald Trump, clearly a raving, power mad lunatic,” United Nations Junior Deputy Media Liaison Henrietta Michaels told the press, “has issued a threat to the entire world of impending nuclear war by declaring North Korea will be met with ‘fire and fury.’ And this is of great concern to every human being on the planet.”

Footage of Trump’s threat against North Korea and stability of the region can be seen below, courtesy of NBC News:

President Trump: North Korea will be met with ‘fire and fury’ from CNBC.

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The U.N. is worried that Trump is only making a bad situation worse, sources say. Ms. Michaels said that the rest of America’s allies on the U.N. Security Council are very concerned by Trump’s “alarmist and incendiary rhetoric.” She said that while it’s “unnerving and concerning” that North Korea’s leader, Kim-Jong Un, keeps making threats against the United States, Trump’s responses have been equally as problematic.

“Mr. Trump is clearly someone who believes two wrongs make a right,” Michaels said, “and what’s worse is that in this situation he’s rattling his saber on someone who is growing more and more capable of inflicting massive casualties and starting a worldwide conflagration this planet hasn’t seen in several decades.”

Michaels says that many in the security council are particularly worried that President Trump doesn’t grasp the nuances of the delicate situation that North Korea presents.

“We have no idea if North Korea can hit the U.S. with a nuclear missile just yet,” Michaels said, “but we do know that it could hit South Korea. Which would certainly trigger a chain of events that no one really understands the full ramifications of. But it seems hard to envision a conclusion that doesn’t see countries like India and Pakistan involved in the nuclear fray. It’s your garden variety, basic doomsday nightmare scenario.”

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Reaction on the Hill to Trump’s rhetoric has been a mixture of support, condemnation, and trepidation. Democrats are reportedly worried that Trump won’t be stopped by congressional Republicans before he drags the country into nuclear war. But there are some on the Hill who don’t see Trump’s posturing as a bad thing. Some congressional Republicans, for instance, see a silver lining in all the gray storm clouds ahead.

“For Republicans,” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) told reporters, “even nuclear winter is a win because you can’t get an abortion if there aren’t any humans left to get pregnant.”


James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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