Lucifer: ‘Ben Carson Is Bat Shit Crazy, Y’All. I’m a Republican.’

LAKE OF FIRE IN HELL, ETERNITY — During the second night of the 2016 Republican National Convention, Dr. Ben Carson invoked the name of Lucifer while speaking to convention attendees and the audience at home. Carson, who was a candidate in the Republican Primary facing off against eventual nominee Trump, seemed to imply that Hillary Clinton is a fan of the devil’s work.

As reported in The Huffington Post:

“Let me tell you something about Saul Alinsky,” Carson said, veering off-script during his speech. “He wrote a book called Rules for Radicals. On the dedication page, it acknowledges Lucifer, the original radical who gained his own kingdom.”

“So are we willing to elect someone as president who has as their role model someone who acknowledges Lucifer?” Carson asked the audience. (source)

At a morning press conference in Hell, however, Lucifer told reporters he wanted to “clear the air” and that Ben Carson is wrong if he thinks Satan is a Democrat.

“Ben Carson is bat shit crazy, y’all,” Lucifer told the press, “I’m a Republican. I’m Republican as fuck, really.”

Lucifer pointed out the fact the has no compunction to help the poor. He reiterated his stance that all lives matter to him, but only because he wanted all lives to be spent “rotting away down here with me.” Mr. Beelzebub said he’s also “very, very, very pro gun.”

“I’m no dummy,” Satan said, “I know the best way to fill up my cells down here is with as many people dying as possible. Therefore, I’m probably even more pro-gun than most Republicans are at this point. I want guns to literally be in every single human being’s hands. Man, women, especially children. Who else does that sound like? That’s right Republicans.”

Carson is making a “classic mistake,” Lucifer said. It’s common, the Dark Lord of All That Is Unholy told reporters, for Republicans to assume their political adversaries are Satan worshiping demons, but “when you examine our policy goals,” Satan said, “it’s clear to everyone that the casual way Republicans don’t care about their fellow man” aligns perfectly with his own political views.

“I don’t want anyone to be happy, really,” Lucifer said, “so I’m anti-marriage equality. I like to see people suffer, so I’m all in favor of gutting the social safety net. And since I really, really love war, I support giving the military a budget as large as it wants, times a billion or two. All of these things make me a Republican, if you ask me.”

So is Lucifer voting for the Republican’s nominee, Donald Trump?

“Fuck no,” Lucifer said, “I’m the Prince of Darkness. Hell, I’m an ugly, red, source of all evil. But you know what I’m not? Stupid. Only stupid people vote for Trump. I may be a Republican, but I’m not a dumb Republican. I’m voting for Gary Johnson. Libtertarians align pretty closely to my beliefs too, especially the economic nihilsts.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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