HARPER VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — It’s not that 28 year old Cheryl Terwilliger Jones has absolutely no interest in seeing any digital picture of any penis, period. She just doesn’t have any interest in seeing your dick. That is, of course, unless she asks you to see it first.
“Basically, my rule on dick pics is pretty easy,” Cheryl was overheard telling her friends at a cafe during brunch this weekend. “Don’t fucking send them to me, unless I tell you want to see one. I think it’s a good rule, and I plan to stick by it.”
Cheryl and four of her friends were eating at a fun new Italian bistro in downtown Harper Valley when they got to discussing the myriad penises they’ve been exposed to in the modern age. The penises in question were shown to the women not in more traditional trenchcoated ways, but in the fashion of the times — dick pics.
Merriam-Webster and the Oxford English Dictionary define dick pics as “digital transmissions of images showing the phallus of the photographer.” But Cheryl and her friends define them as “the most annoying shit to get in the middle of a text or DM” unless they’re specifically called for.
“I’m not even saying I don’t like to see a dick pic every now and then,” Jane, one of Cheryl’s closest friends said. “It’s just that I want to be the one who asks for the picture.”
Cheryl agreed immediately.
“Exactly! Sending some rando woman a picture of your junk is just the 21st century equivalent of going out in a trench coat and flashing it on the street,” Cheryl said. “There’s a time and damn place for everything, even dick pics. But there’s never a good time, or a good place to have someone’s fleshy fuck rod jammed into your eyeballs unexpectedly.”
“My favorite is when you meet a guy at a club and by the time you get home there’s a picture of his pud waiting for you in your DMs or texts,” Jillian told the group. “Like, maybe we should know each other more than five minutes before I see a hastily snapped picture of your dong, dude.”
None of the women see the dick pick paradigm shifting any time soon.
“For how long have women been dealing with a dick in their sight lines they never wanted or thought they’d have to see? This isn’t anything new,” Cheryl said. “It’s just high-tech indecent exposure. I’m not saying these guys need to go to jail or even get a fine. I’m just saying that until I’m ready and willing to see your dick, keep it in your pants and off my smartphone, douche.”
The ladies did a “cheers” to that, finished up their brunches, and stepped outside of the restaurant where they were greeted by a man about fifteen years older than them.
“Smile, ladies, you all look so much prettier when you smile,” the man said.
Doctors onsite say they should be able to get the ladies’ eyeballs back into their sockets, however they will strongly caution them against rolling their eyes so hard in the future.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.