VALLE DE LA OBESIÓN BASURA, TEXAS — Martin Q. Higgenbottom is a lifelong resident of Texas, a self-described “die-hard Republican,” and he recently attended a city council meeting in his town, demanding that a new program be funded that would, in his estimation, “quiet down the hubbub over the trans people using our restrooms.”
Higgenbottom made a 20 minute presentation that night, outlining what he calls the “Show Us What Ya Got” initiative which would include setting aside $575,000 annually for a city-wide program that would seek to register the genitalia of all the people living within the city limits. If the program goes well enough, Martin says he’d “love to see it go statewide and then even national.” The bulk of the funds requested would go toward training a special task force that would be asked to go around door-to-door and “ask to see people’s junk,” Higgenbottom said.
“The right to privacy is not something we should sacrifice our principles for is it,” Higgenbottom asked rhetorically, “I mean, we normals should get every right and then some, but if you’re in the minority, isn’t it the most American thing possible to submit the subjugation of the majority?”
Some of the funds would also be used to pay Higgenbottom, a database administrator, to build out and maintain the city’s genitalia registration details.
“You can trust me,” Higgenbottom said, “I promise I won’t be secretly marking down who has what and fapping to it later, scout’s honor.” Higgenbottom also tried to assuage some council members’ fears of governmental overreach by insisting “any and all pictures of the citizens’ groinular regions” would be stored in his own, personal, private server in his basement.
If approved, Martin says he can have the database built in just a matter of days, but that training the Genital Inspection Service would be the hard part.
“We’re going to have to show them extensive, voluminous pictures of people’s naughty parts,” Higgenbottom told the city council, “and so that means our force is going to have to be trained to handle anything. Micropenii, enlarged clitorises, hermaphrodites, dudes with giant schlongers, chicks with big titties, wait, I mean, titties aren’t genitalia, so we don’t NEED to inspect them, but we, like, probably should, to you know, protect the children or something right?”
Higgenbottom assured the council that he was “only looking out for everyone’s best interests” and not “just wanting to snoop on some privates.”
“Is it not vitally important to the survival of the republic for us to be able to use a public restroom and know exactly what’s in everyone else’s pants,” Higgenbottom asked, “I mean sure, I don’t want people giving my crotch that kind of scrutiny, but that’s different. I’m a white, cisgender male, and even though white, cisgender males commit a shitload of sexual assault and you can’t find any statistics that remotely show transgender people as being even a small threat whatsoever, it is my duty to drum up fear and paranoia because I apparently literally have nothing better to do with my life than ponder what’s between the legs of the guy shitting next to me.”
The vote that night failed, but Higgenbottom vowed to “stay obsessed with genitals all the way to the Supreme Court” if he had to.