Local Republican: The First Amendment Is For Hurting Gays, Not Protecting Muslims

HOBART, ARKANSAS — Clem O’Connell calls himself a “deeply religious, deeply conservative, deeply principled Constitutionalist.” Clem says that he reads the Bill of Rights once a week, and the entire Constitution once a year, just so he is as familiar with it as he possibly can be. On his Facebook page, Totes And Completely Biased America, Clem explained that all the uproar from certain circles about Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump proposing banning Muslims and giving new immigrants an ideological purity test before they enter the country is “a load of libtard hogwash.”

“The First Amendment is for Christians, by Christians, and about Christian values,” Clem said, “and just because it says that congress shall make no law regarding the establishment or promotion of one religion over the other, we all know deep-down that they really meant to say that Christians can do whatever we want, because we’re pretty much the best and most peaceful religion of all time ever, and everyone else can fuck off.”

O’Connell told the followers of his alt-right page that he believes the Founders would be very pleased with the religious protections in the First Amendment being used to discriminate against the LGBT community. He said that religious freedom laws that have been getting passed in red states are the “most American thing ever.”

“What is more American than forcing someone to either believe exactly as you do or stay the hell out,” Clem asked, “and what’s the point of freedom if we can’t use ours to deny it to others? There is no point, I’ll tell you what.”

Clem says that laws that seem to run against the First Amendment are actually what the country needs. He says he plans to run for office in next year’s city council election, and he will “think big but start small” by passing laws within his town that force all “non-white Christian looking types” to take ideology tests similar to what Trump is proposing.

“I’m going to protect the Constitution at all costs,” Mr. O’Connell’s post states, “even if I have to write unconstitutional laws to do so!”

Ultimately, Clem says that he will do everything he can to bend society to look the way he wants it to. Which, he says, “is totally different than Muslim religious extremists,” though his Facebook post never got into exactly why. He did, however, rather concisely sum up his views on Constitutional law theory.

“I don’t care what the Constitution means,” Clem wrote, “I care about what I feel the Constitution means!

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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