LAKE CHAUVIN, FLORIDA — Lance Westmund is a 52-year-old self-described Born-Again Christian, Republican, gun owner, and current line cook at the local Chik-Fil-A in his small Florida town. Westmund told our reporter that abortion is the most important issue facing America today, despite the Roe vs. Wade Supreme Court decision that gave women the right to have an abortion up to the point of medical viability for the gestating fetus, because “an amoral, Godless, baby killing America is not an America God would want.” Mr. Westmund says that he wants abortion made illegal and there to be almost no exceptions for any circumstance, including if the abortion if or a victim of rape or incest.
“Isn’t my God-given American right to say awful things as they pertain to rape,” Westmund asked rhetorically as he gave us a tour of his frying station. “I mean, what kind of country do you think this is, if I can’t go around implying that the government — the same government I call evil and untrustworthy — should have the right to force a victim of rape or incest to have the offspring of her assailant? It’s not an America any of us want to live in,” he stated emphatically.
Reading news that various Republican-controlled states are enacting harsh anti-abortion laws that don’t even have exceptions for rape or incest victims, Westmund says he is “driven nearly to tears of joy,” because it’s been so long since he’s seen legislators be “so strident and bold in their support of re-victimizing rape victims.”
“I think it’s tremendously cool that governors like Nikki Haley are willing to stand up to the lamestream, liberal media and be so strong in their statements about abortion,” Westmund said as he was finishing a batch of waffle fries. “Why are conservatives the jerks for thinking we should have a say in what someone — who was violated in the most horrific and personally traumatizing ways imaginable — does with a fertilized sperm and egg from her rape,” Westmund asked rhetorically.
“I mean, if they get to tell us that we should be more careful in who we let have a gun, why don’t we get to imply that a rape victim who aborts her attacker’s pregnancy is somehow on par, or even worse, than her rapist,” he further asked.
Westmund says that seeing red states be so uncaring in their dismissive tone toward rape victims has emboldened him to be more “out front” with his own views on the subject. “I just cannot wait to go over to Planned Parenthood and tell every single woman I see entering that facility that if she gets an abortion she’s a murderer, even if she was drugged, knocked-out, pinned-down, or raped at knife or gun point. Because you don’t get to take control over your own sexual reproduction in this country, no matter how horrific and terrifying the circumstances of conception were,” Westmund said.
“I don’t see how this could possibly go badly for us,” Westmund said as the interview was ending. “I bet if you asked most women, they would totally agree with me that if they are raped by some disgusting asshole they should be forced under threat of arrest to carry that bastard’s baby to full term, reliving the nightmare of having her body forcefully penetrated for around nine months,” Westmund said.
Then after a moment of reflection, “Yeah, I bet the bitches really get behind the Republicans now that we’ve made it clear how little we trust them with their own vaginae.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.