Alabama Police Union Suggests Cutting Judges, Juries, Executioners From Budget

BOON JUNCTION, ALABAMA — A police union in Alabama has submitted a proposal to the legislature suggesting all judges, juries, and executioners be removed from the state budget. The proposal would officially grant police in Alabama the legal authority to act in any or all of those capacities during any interaction with a suspect they deem necessary.

“Clearly,” Sgt. John Vigilinti, Vice-President of the police union that made the proposal told reporters, “cops all over the country are showing they’re not only skilled law enforcement officers, but could be quite good at being judges, juries, and even executioners.” Then, after a pause, “You know, if you ignore the whole concept of due process and taking in suspects alive so they can have their day in court and shit.”

Vigilinti said that he and his fellow officers want to “save the taxpayers some money” and “just cut the fat out” of the budget. Mr. Vigilinti says that in a lot of cases, the “whole rigmarole about presumption of innocence and due process” is just “overkill.”

“And if anyone knows about killing things,” Vigilinti said, “it’s cops these days. Am I right, or am I right, or am I right?”

Citing recent police shootings in Louisiana and Minnesota, Vigilinti says the media hasn’t been giving Americans the “complete picture.” Sgt. Vigilinti insists that “the most American thing possible is shooting first and asking questions later” and therefore it’s not a “miscarriage of justice” when a broken tail light leads to a dead man in the driver’s seat. It’s “the most American thing ever,” Vigilinti said.

“Sure, we’d all like there to be a fair trial in front of a jury of our peers,” Vigilinti told reporters, “but those things cost a lot of money and take a lot of time. Who has time for presumed innocence and due process anymore? I don’t know about you guys, but I just want to get my job done as quickly as possible so I can get home and binge watch episodes of The Bachelor. 

“Americans aren’t really interested in or understand the concept of a constitutionally-sound arrest, trial, conviction and sentencing,” Vigilinti said, “and I bet you’re bored with me just saying that sentence, and would rather be watching up-skirt porn or skateboarding falls on YouTube.”

State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R) said that he was “delighted” to see Vigilinti’s proposal as he knows that “all government spending is evil, even if it’s government spending specifically for the purpose of creating the justice system our Constitution dictates we absolutely must have,” and will be supporting the proposal in the state’s budget committee meetings.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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