SPAYNK RIVER BANK, MISSOURI — In a sleepy town located on the banks of a lesser-known American river in the Show Me State, Johann Jonathan Stroak sits confidently in his living room, a sense of self-assurance permeating his every breath.

Johann, who goes by “Jack” as a shortening his middle name because his father was also Johann, knows deep down in every fiber of his being that he has what it takes to make a solid, convincing argument. Sure, he’s got years of debate training, and sure he’s a Toastmaster, and that certainly gives him some of his confidence, but it doesn’t explain it all. In fact, Jack isn’t sure, really, just why he’s so confident he can do it, but he knows he can, in fact, do it, and all by himself.

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Jack can convince himself to masturbate, and he’s bound and determined to make that argument right here, and right now.

“Okay, listen, you’re on coronavirus lockdown. By yourself. You’ve got nowhere to go, and nobody to be with right now. This is gonna be hard, but you can pull it off,” Jack tells himself as he sits down on the couch with his laptop. Jack likes to rub one out in his apartment’s living room, because it makes him feel like he lives in a much larger floor plan when he can masturbate in a completely separate room from where he sleeps.

Jack opens up his laptop and browses to the porngraphic content warehousing website he likes the most.

“Okay, let’s see here,” Jack says as he types the website’s name into his browser window. “Macy’s…dot..com…okay, and now we browse to the furniture section and…BINGO! Oh man, this is so fucking hot!”

Jack has what he calls a “very healthy sexual appetite” for sofas, couches, and even loveseats, though he prefers seating with “enough cushion for the pushin'” and often spends most of his masturbatory time looking at various sectionals and other couches with extra-large seating cushions. He doesn’t like to call it a “fetish” though, because Jack says he doesn’t find himself sexually attracted to anything other than furniture.

“Nothing sickens me more than the thought of two or more human beings fucking. Gross. Just absolutely disgusting,” Jack said, obvious revulsion in his tone. “All that flesh and bodily fluid? No thanks. All I can think about watching regular porn is how much of a stain everything they’re doing is going to leave on their nice sheets, the casting couch, or the back of the bang van or whatever.”

We left Jack as he began his final preparations to masturbate, but he told us that he’d let us know if “anything weird came up.” Sources close to the situation say that Jack was able to find a picture of an extremely attractive chaise lounge that got him hot and bothered enough to take care of business. The National Crank Yanking Institute of North America estimates that roughly 1 out of every 1 million people are similarly attracted to furniture.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.