COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Jehtro Bohiggins is not racist, is not xenophobic, and does not take kindly to anyone implying that he is, which is exactly what he told his podcast audience this week, right before he explained his nuanced take on immigration in the United States.

“I ain’t no racist, and I’m sick and damn tired of the real racists — DEMONCRATS WHO WANT TO FORCE ALL BLACK PEOPLE ONTO THE GOVERNMENT DOLE DESPITE THERE BEING WAY MORE WHITE PEOPLE ON THE WELFARES! — calling me one,” Bohiggins shouted into the microphone. “I just want to make sure that anyone who comes into this country is safe, and also smarter and more capable than me, and the rest of us who just so happened to fall out of an American cooch and are therefore entitled to freedoms they just simply aren’t, coming from a brown country and all.”

Bohiggins explained further.

“I’m just sayin’ this, fam: I ain’t racist or xenophobic, but I do not trust people from other countries as much as I trust people from this country, and it’s largely based on what they look like,” Bohiggins reiterated. “If that makes me racist or xenophobic — just because I assume my white genes make me superior and because I hate people from other countries and don’t want them to live here, then we prolly don’t live in America anymore!”

Jethro was upset and ranting now.

“I’m just saying I take great umbrella to someone casting aspersions on my asparagus, as the great intellectual Louis Gohmert famously once said,” Jethro said. “Which is to say that I don’t take kindly to being called a racist simply because I have beliefs that are traditionally defined as racist! It ain’t my fault my white genes made me able to discern how much better I am than brown-skinned people!”

Mr. Bohiggins says it’s “unfair to Americans who are dumb” to have to compete with smart people for jobs.

“It’s in the Constitution that we get to be as dumb as we want cuz we’re white and Americans or something, I’m sure of it,” Jethro wailed. “We ain’t never gonna be able to work if we keep having to compete with people who have IQs higher than their shoe size! If we can’t hold browns to a higher standard than non-browns, we don’t live in America any more!”

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.