WASHINGTON, D.C. — Pacing around his new residence, former President Barack Obama has reportedly been “listless and full of anxiety” since returning from vacation with his family. Obama spent eight years of his life living in the White House, but it’s not his new living quarters that have him feeling “enormous unease” these days, said one source very close to him. It’s the fact that he’s now gone almost two entire months without confiscating a single American’s firearm.
“Allahu Akbar,” Obama exclaimed according to sources close to him late Saturday night, “Michelle, do you realize it’s been weeks since I abrogated a single American’s right to a gun? I used to take, what, 30, 40 million guns a day? I’m starting to feel cold and empty inside.”
Mrs. Obama reportedly took her husband by the hand.
“Oh Barry,” Michelle said, “my sweet, sweet Barry Soetoro. You’ll live to confiscate another gun! I know it. Yes, it means a lot to you to undermine American society. Yes, you spent eight years desperately trying to bring America down from within. Yes, you did that by stabilizing its economy and you never once signed a single bill into law that would take away anyone’s guns. But that was then; this is now, and remember what Master Alinsky taught us — one door closing opens another window to crawl into, force gay marriage on people, and perform abortions on demand.”
Former-president Obama considered his wife’s words. She’d always been right about many things. She was the one that convinced him to hide his real Kenyan birth certificate in the same secret White House safe they kept the plans to allow over seven trillion illegal votes to be cast in last year’s election in an attempt not to win the Electoral College, but only the popular vote. Michelle was smart, and he knew he had to trust her.
“Maybe you’re right Michelle,” Obama said, “but every day I go without confiscating some law-abiding, God-fearing, ammo-hoarding, clean American patriots gun is a day in Hell for me! I may be libtarded, Michelle, but I’m still a man. And a man needs a purpose in life.”
Michelle smiled. She again took her husband’s hand. This time though, she turned Barack’s hand over, and spread the fingers open.
“Are we doing the Secret Liberal Satanist handshake,” Obama asked of his wife. Michelle just nodded “no.” She placed a single, small key in his hand. The former commander in chief looked down at the key. It was silver and had was attached to a key chain with a single metal plate on it, stamped with the words “FOR SOROS!”
Michelle smiled widely.
“Barry,” she said, “this key gets you into every home in America. Remember when you secretly conspired with all the lock manufacturers in the world to have this skeleton key made? You did it so you could sneak into Republican homes and replace their Bibles with Korans. But why don’t you just use this for taking their guns too.”
Former-president Obama took a deep breath. It was his turn to smile ear-to-ear. She’d done it again.
“Praise Allah,” Obama said, “you really are my knight in shining armor, from a long time ago, Michelle. Thank you so much. I’m going to go take a few guns right now!”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.