Listerine Contradicts Ron Johnson, Says It’s Intended for Recovering Alcoholics Sneaking Booze

Mouthwash maker Listerine is not useful in fighting COVID-19, the company said in a statement pushing back against sitting U.S. Senator Ron Johnson (Q-WI). Sen. Johnson was recently caught in recorded audio telling voters in his state that using Listerine is a “proven” way to fight COVID-19.

“By the way, standard gargle, mouthwash has been proven to kill the coronavirus,” Johnson said in an audio recording published by Chicago-based progressive website Heartland Signal. “If you get it, you may reduce viral replication. Why not try all these things?” (Vice)

Listerine released a strong statement advising that they do not have any data to backup Johnson’s claims. However, that was not all Listerine did to counter Johnson’s misinformation. In an unprecedented move, Todd Listerine, great grandson of the founder of Listerine, appeared on NPR and told host Ascot Terwilliger Jones that his family’s product has only two intended uses.

Trump Has a Title for His Presidential Memoir and Coloring Book

“Of course, everyone knows our stuff is great for fighting germs and bad breath, but if that’s not why you’re using it, then you only have one other legit reason — you’re a recovering alcoholic and sneaking some booze,” Mr. Listerine told Jones.

Americans looking to protect themselves from COVID-19 should get one of the approved vaccines, Listerine said. However, if Americans are looking to get drunk “on the sly,” after they get a vaccine, then he says his family’s mouthwash is the “way to go.”

“I’ve got no issue with people using Listerine for something other than refreshing their breath, but I thought it was important for me to correct the senator and remind everyone that Listerine is best for killing germs and secretly getting hammered at work.”

Condolences Overwhelmed Rep. Thomas Massie’s Office After He Publicized His Micro-Penis

Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This