WASHINGTON, D.C. — The frantic, urgent exclamations could be heard throughout the Hill this morning.
“Oh sweet molasses titties, we need to make sure our Dear American President fully and completely recovers! Outta my way!”
The shouts were bursting forth from none other than Sen. Lindsey Graham of South Carolina. Graham, who has done perhaps the most stark about-face on Trump since opposing him for the Republican presidential nomination in 2016, was spotted carrying a portable ultraviolet flashlight, and a hose used to perform colonoscopies. Though Graham wouldn’t stop long enough to tell reporters exactly what he was doing, he would answer some of their questions as he stopped at various crosswalks throughout D.C., on his way to the White House. Panting and a little out of breath, Graham said he woke up determined to help Trump fully recover from his Covid-19 infection.
“I was watching Hannity’s show last night, and I heard how the president sounded. Now,” Graham told reporters as he waited for the crosswalk light to change, “I trust the president’s doctors completely. They’d never lie. Just because a lot of us who are close to the president have to lie, according to the Constitution, in order to keep him from feeling stupid when people call him out on his lies, that doesn’t mean his doctor is lying.”
In last night’s interview with Sean Hannity on Fox News, President Trump’s voice was hoarse, and he coughed quite often. He sounded congested, and many people wondered just how much he’s actually recovered from his coronavirus infection. Graham said he decided before going to bed last night he was going to come to Trump’s rescue.
“I remembered what he said back a few months ago, about UV lights and disinfectants. Of course, we all know you can’t inject bleach,” Graham said, “but I don’t think we’ve actually tried flooding someone’s cinnamon hole with UV light. I just so happened to have a few extra colonoscopy hoses — NO REASON WHY THAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT — and so the first stop I made today was to hit up Home Depot to get some UV lamps.”
Sen. Graham plans to help President Trump shine as much UV light up his colon as he thinks is necessary to completely eradicate his coronavirus infection. Graham told reporters at a nother crosswalk stop that he feels “fairly confident” he can accomplish his goal, and with very little disturbance to President Trump’s work schedule. Sen. Graham believes his “previous working relationship” with Trump will “help immensely.”
“I am quite familiar with the territory. I am intimately aware of the various curves, folds, and wrinkles of President Trump’s butthole,” Graham explained. “I feel like I could be a President Trump’s colon tour guide, if such tours exists. I am back there lick-polishing and showering it with kisses as frequently as I possibly can.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.