WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of the 2012 presidential election, the Republican National Committee — under the leadership of Reince Priebus — ordered a deep-dive “autopsy” of the party’s failed effort to win the White House away from incumbent, President Barack Obama.
Among the many findings of the now infamous report was the fact that the 2012 primary season for the GOP was, as one 25-year political scientist who spoke to The Political Garbage Chute recently put it, a “monumental, fucktastic shit show.” There were too many candidates, espousing too many fringe ideas and policy goals, and each candidate had to tack so far right that by the time the Mitt-Bot 2.0 debuted as the Republican candidate, the cyborg automaton had veered so far right that no general electorate would touch him with the proverbial two foot pole. So far, 2016 seems to be shaping up to be every bit as problematic for the Republicans as 2012 was. From Ted Cruz to Rand Paul to Donald Trump and Carly Fiorina, the candidates are piling up on the right, all of them looking to siphon some of the dark money away from their opponents, setting up a life-long run for the top office in the country, and they never have to make it out of the primaries.
It seems that Priebus and company are going to need to make sure there’s room for one rider in their tiny car full of made-up, jocular entertainers. Luckily though, the latest man to announce his intention to run probably won’t mind sharing a seat with someone, sitting on their laps if needs be. Senator Lindsey Graham — the man Southern Rich Elitists Weekly called “The Most Charming, Lilting Man in Politics Today” back in 2009 — has been hinting very strongly that he too would like American voters to consider him for Oval Office duties.
“I know I don’t have the flashiness of a Carly Fiorina, or the undisputed high-intellect of Ted Cruz, or the clear and concise expertise in economics that Rand Paul the self-certified opthamologist has, but people should not count me out,” Graham recently told reporters at a D.C.-area diner, where he had been eating lunch with staffers. “I do declare, don’t count me out from coming in from behind and surprising you; I could take the whole thing myself, without flinching or batting an eyelash!”
Graham conceded that “most people think I’m just the hyper-sensitive Southerner following John McCain around” but that he’d “change all those minds” when he showed the country just how much they needed him. “I’m just a simple man,” Graham told the press. “I like simple things, like Southern Hospitality and pecan pie. And keeping poor people under the thumb of the rich elite. And shilling for the military industrial complex every chance I get. And being a stubborn advocate for allowing someone’s religious views to be used as a cudgel, bashing people who don’t believe in the same invisible sky man I do. You know, like Republicans do. I just do it all with a nice, thickly coated veneer of gen-teel charm.”
“Oh, I admit that I can be hasty and emotional at times, but mostly just about Benghazi,” Graham told the media at the restaurant, “and pretty much everything Democrats do. But other than that, I’m totally normal, I promise. I have nothing to hide. Nothing at all. There are no closets in my life…and certainly no skeletons — or ANYONE ELSE!! — for that matter in them. Americans have nothing to worry about. I’ll be the staunch supporter of their God-given right to discriminate and spread intolerance against anyone they so choose.”
If Graham were to announce his candidacy, he’d join the roughly 345 other Republicans who have either declared, declared their intention to declare, have signed a declaration of intent to declare, or have otherwise publicly indicated they are going to declare, are thinking about declaring, or have at least learned how to spell the word “declare” — all but Sarah Palin fall into this last category — for the 2016 presidential race.