Lindell: Trump Will Ride The Loch Ness Monster Into D.C. On August 13th and ‘Retake His Throne’

On August 13th, a triumphant Donald John Trump will mount a saddled Loch Ness monster — “Nessie” as she’s known the world over — and ride that beast back into Washington, D.C., where will be “set back down upon his gilded throne.” At least, that’s what MyPillow CEO and crack cocaine aficionado Mike Lindell believes will happen.

“You know, everyone wants to tell me that just because what I say isn’t based in reality, that somehow it cannot happen,” Lindell told Jack Posobiec on OAN this morning. “However, Jack, you’ll notice they have no proof that Nessie won’t bring Donald Trump back into D.C. to be set back down upon his gilded throne. Just like they can’t prove there isn’t a God! BOOM! CHECKMATE!”


The United States Constitution contains no language or process for removing a sitting president and installing the person they defeated. Lindell insists that there was a “special presidential decree” that Trump signed while he was still in office that will enable him to “side step the anti-Trumper Founding Fathers.”

“King God Forever President Trump’s order specifically states that all election results will be null and void under three conditions,” Lindell suggested. “One, if the votes for the Democrats are higher than 90% of MAGAs can even count to. Two, if a Democrat winning will hurt the sitting president’s extremely fragile ego and feelings. Third, if a Democrat wins. CHECKMATE AGAIN!”

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) told Newsmax TV that she “completely and totally” believes Lindell’s theories.

“Mike and I have shared a crack dealer for decades, so we go way back. I know his brain to be every bit as sharp, agile, and focused on reality as my own,” Greene said. “Why would he lie? Just because he’s an unstable psychopath with a tenuous grip on his own sanity? Just because he has a vested interest in not being put right the fuck out of business by Dominion for lying about their machines? Give me a break.”

Joe Biden is scheduled to be president for another three and a half years.


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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