Man Who Calls Lincoln A ‘Tyrant’ Has No Issue With Trump’s Assassination Comments

HOBART, ARKANSAS — Clem O’Connel describes himself as “extremely conservative and extremely American.” His view of centralized government has, over time, made him see America’s 16th president as “nothing more than a spineless tyrant and war monger.” He also doesn’t have any problem with Donald Trump intimating that Hillary Clinton be shot if she wins, should gun rights advocates feel her election would threaten their right to keep and bear arms.

“Lincoln was a tyrant,” Clem told his Facebook followers from his page, Totally And Obviously Biased America, “because he waged a war on people who just wanted to form their own country so they could keep owning black people like furniture or farm equipment.”

In Clem’s estimation, the “true mark of a civilized and free society is when you can nullify elections with gunfire.” He told his page’s 35,000 followers that “clearly the founders envisioned a country where elections didn’t mean as much as how fast your trigger finger was.” Ultimately, he says that he can “totally understand” why John Wilkes Booth assassinated Lincoln.

“What other options did Booth have,” Clem asked, “impeachment? Or waiting another four years until the country held its next presidential election? Waiting is hard, and frankly un-American! So he rose up and shot a tyrant. No big whoop, if you ask me.”

Mr. O’Connell staunchly defended Donald Trump’s comments about gun rights advocates assassinating Clinton in the same Facebook post.

“For starters, he was totally just kidding,” Clem’s post said, “and that makes it totally okay. Unless a liberal kids around about someone killing a conservative, that’s never funny. Then again, as a conservative I struggle with what humor is in the first place, so what the fuck do I know?”

Ultimately, Clem says that “liberals need to lighten up and learn to take a joke.”

“C’mon, sissy libtards,” Clem wrote, “just relax. So our candidate blew a dog whistle for lunatic loners to grab their high-powered, God-given, George Washington approved rifle, and kill his political rival if he loses. So what if he’s been trying to delegitimize the entire election by calling it rig, further riling up the masses? It’s all just jokes. Harmless jokes that can totally be taken as an invitation for murder if you’re talking to a bunch of paranoid, delusional whack jobs who really think anyone cares about their guns as long as they’re safe with them. Seems to me that liberals need to lighten up and take a joke.”

One commenter asked Clem why he’s still a Republican if he hates Lincoln so much and Trump is nothing like Lincoln.

“Because, dummy,” Clem wrote back, “times change. The GOP would never let a power usurping tyrant be its leader anymore. Duh. No if you’ll excuse me, I have to go write an email to Dick Cheney thanking him for the Iraq War.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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