WASHINGTON, D.C. — Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States of America, is wildly regarded as one of the most gifted wordsmiths to occupy the Oval Office. Whether its his Emancipation Proclamation, his Gettysburg Address, either of his inaugural speeches, or the hundreds and hundreds of letters he wrote during the Civil War, Lincoln’s prowess with the pen is legendary. Now, scholars in the nation’s capital are saying they’ve unearthed a Lincoln letter that heretofore had never been known to exist.
“This is an historic day, to say the least,” Maxine Sandstrom told reporters at a press conference outside the Historical History Institute at a press conference over the weekend, “because this letter sheds some fascinating light on the sexual proclivities of a man who has largely not been examined in that regard.”
Sandstrom says that the letter contains one phrase she is certain scholars, historians, and modern political pundits will “seize on,” given the presidential election taking place this year.
“At one point in the letter, Lincoln tells a general out in the field while he’s fighting the Civil War that he hopes the general is able to come home to his wife,” Sandstrom said, “and that he knows how important it is to any man to ‘get your hands on a fine hiney’ and he even tells the general that he himself enjoys ‘manhandling some sweet cooch.'”
Ms. Sandstrom provided the press with excerpts from the newly discovered letter, below is one of those excerpts.
I know this war has brought much sorrow to us all. I similarly know that you must be dying to get back home to your darling wife Suzanne. I understand the deep, burning feeling a man feels in his loins, and I also know what it feels like to find yourself truly longing for an opportunity to grab a woman by her short and curlies. I myself have always had a hankering for manhandling some sweet cooch, and I daresay every lad you have fighting for our cause feels the same way about laying their mitts on a vajayjay, General.
The Historical History Institute also announced that they may have uncovered an old schematic, drawn by George Washington at his Mount Vernon estate. The drawing is crude, but it shows a stick a figure in a powdered wig popular among politicians at the time reaching his stick hand out toward a stick woman’s groin. The schematic is titled simple, “How A Patriot Grabs A Lady By Her Hoo-Ha-Dilly.”
“These letters are significant,” Sandstrom says, “and we’re hoping that if anyone out there has many more examples of the greatest leaders of our time being caught discussing women like nothing more than sexual objects, there for men to grab, fondle, grope, and sexually assault as they please, provided they’re rich or powerful enough, that they’ll consider bringing them to our institute to join the growing catalog of pussy grabbing and cooch handling letters from America’s greatest and most historical figures of all time.”
There is one vaginally-centered letter that Ms. Sandstrom says might truly surprise people.
“We have a letter from Nancy Reagan to her husband Ronald,” Sandstrom says, “where she specifically says she’s always enjoyed the way he’d ‘grab [her] by the basement lips’ and parade her around the White House, calling her his ‘Little Piece of Pussy Pie.'”
I will never forget the times you’d grab me by my basement lips, and show me off to all the White House staff as your “Little Piece of Pussy Pie.” I do wish you’d stop calling me your “Iran Cunt-Ra” but with your mental health state being what it is, I suppose dried up, homophobic, moral puritans can’t be choosers, can we?
The Donald Trump campaign has indicated they’ll rent out the new Lincoln cooch letter and bring it to all future campaign stops right up to Election Day.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.