HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA — During an investor call this morning, the Executive Director of Creative Projects for Cinemagic Films announced that the studio has acquired rights to Mario Puzo’s famous novel, “The Godfather,” which has already been turned into a trilogy of one of the most popular and successful films in American cinematic history.
“But, this is Hollywoo, and as such we’re very risk-sensitive,” Cinemagic’s Shelly McScoodoo told investors, “and we don’t want to risk any of your investment in our studio on stories that are different from what’s already been done successfully. So we decided to reach out to all interested parties to see if we could get the rights to ‘The Godfather.’ I’m happy to report, those rights have been obtained!”
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Ms. McScoodoo also announced that the preliminary casting for Cinemagic’s version of the film has already largely been completed.
“At first, we all started brainstorming who we’d like to see in some of the most iconic film roles of all time,” McScoodoo told investors, “and then someone put that interview Rachel Maddow did with Lev Parnas on in the boardroom. The next thing you know, we’re all talking about drastically updating the story itself, and by the end of the night we had a rough outline of the new plot, and even had several calls out to agents. FBI agents, of course, because we had to find out if some of our actors would be in prison by the time we started principle photography.”
This week, MSNBC’s Maddow aired an interview with Parnas, a close associate of former New York City Mayor Rudy “9/11” Giuliani. Mr. Parnas had been working in very close connection to Giuliani in the efforts to push former Ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch out of her post, so that they could more easily apply pressure to the new Ukrainian president on Trump’s behalf. Parnas spoke about newly released evidence provided by House Democrats that seems to indicate Parnas and a GOP operative were having discussions of tailing the ambassador, and even perhaps hinting at committing acts of violence against her.
The texts and Whatsapp messages in question reminded McScoodoo and her fellow execs of mafia-like behavior, she said. That gave them the inspiration to push “The Godfather” into a new direction. Instead of it being a story about a mob boss and his family trying to appear like legit businessmen, despite the violence necessitated by their business models, the new film will be about a president who acts like he’s a crime boss.
“Trump used Roy Cohn as his attorney for a long time, and Cohn put himself on the map representing Jimmy Hoffa, a known gangster,” McScoodoo said, “so this seems like the universe sending us some pretty unambiguous signals about this new cinematic effort we’re about to undertake. If he’s going to operate the presidency like a mob boss, we think that makes the perfect backdrop for a retelling of this particular story. Instead of Don Corleone, though, it’ll be Don the Cornhole. Other than that, pretty much the same idea.”
The newly re-worked film will be called “The Dumb and Corrupt Godfather,” and will center around the Trump administration’s efforts to coerce and extort a foreign government into digging up dirt on Joe Biden and his son Hunter. McScoodoo could barely contain her excitement as she announced that key members of Trump’s administration — including Vice President Pence, Secretary of State Pompeo, and Presidential Fellatio Adviser Devin Nunes — would be playing themselves.
“I cannot overstate how absolutely huge, or I guess, YUGE in this case, it is for us to secure these people to play themselves,” McScoodoo gushed. “For starters, it’s not like many actors would voluntarily play the parts. I’ve not heard a single actor say out loud they wanted to play a literal piece of garbage, and I’ve heard even fewer proclaim they were ready to tackle the role of a bag of orange diarrhea, so we’re just all so relieved that everyone in the administration are such craven attention whores. Some of them said they didn’t even want to get paid for their services.”
One thing that’s still a bit up in the air is whether or not Trump will play himself. McScoodoo said that studio execs are hoping he’ll be able to appear in the film as the titular character, but they understand with it being an election and impeachment year, it might be hard for him to find the time.
“If we were in an off-election cycle year? I don’t think he’d have any problem setting aside time for the shooting schedule, because it’s not like he does much actual work as president,” Ms. McScoodoo posited. “But if there’s one thing he likes to do, it’s to campaign and hold rallies, because that’s when he hears the most people tell him how great they think he is. We’re hoping we can pry him away from his campaigning schedule just enough to get his scenes shot, but we realize it might take us making a donation to his campaign or legal defense or sex with women other than his wife hush money fund to seal the deal.”
“The Dumb and Corrupt Godfather” would be released in theaters in early 2021, just in time for awards season. But McScoodoo says she doesn’t expect it’ll win any awards.
“You see, the Oscars don’t have an Electoral College,” Ms. McScoodoo explained, “so it’s hard to see anyone in this administration winning any kind of real election. But we’re still very much looking forward to making this film.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.