Lesser Publicized Excerpts From Colin Powell’s Leaked Emails

When the allegedly Russian-backed DCLeaks.com website released thousands of pages of leaked emails, General Colin Powell was very likely none too thrilled. That’s because included in the emails from within the Democratic National Committee were also emails from Powell containing his frank assessments of Hillary Clinton, her husband Bill, and Donald J. Trump. In one email that has become a near-meme on the Internet already, Powell said Mr. Clinton still “dicking bimbos.

But while some of his emails might contain biting commentary on the Clintons and Trump, some other emails of Powell’s contained lesser-publicized, but perhaps just as newsworthy bits of information, and this website has decided it’s in the public’s best interest to publish excerpts from those emails, which follow below.

From an email dated September 19th, 2015, General Powell discusses former President George W. Bush’s paintings with him:


You’re really coming along. It’s hard to believe you’ve only been doing this a short time. As a president, you make one hell of an artist. Definitely better than that Collected Works Of War Mongers From Around The World exhibit I caught at MOMA the other week. Keep up the good work!


In another email to Bush, from 2011, Powell tells the former president that he thinks he’s found the weapons of mass destruction he told the U.N. Security Council that Iraq had prior to the U.S. invading that country. Powell was on vacation in Iraq.


Great fuckin’ news! I’m here in Baghdad visiting our investment, and guess what? I found ’em! I finally found ’em! Saddam’s WMD! You’ll never guess where they were? They were under my hotel bed! Isn’t that weird?


But then in a follow-up email just five minutes later, Powell’s elation turns to sorrow.

Bush II,

Never mind. It wasn’t WMD I found; it was my own suitcase. I forgot I put it under there when I got into the room last night. Totes bummed, bruh. :/ Guess I’m still just a lying liar. Oh well, it’s not like there are YouTube clips up of me lying my ass off for over an hour to the U.N. about the presence of an active WMD program in Iraq, right? RIGHT?!


In June of 2009, Powell emailed former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, asking a particularly personal question.

Condie Wondie Bo-Bo-Bo,

Do you ever feel get a fluttery feeling in your stomach whenever you see old news footage of the run up to the Iraq War? You know, the war that we totally sold the American people based on utter lies, hubris, and terrible intelligence interpretation? Remember how we tried to clean up the mess Rummy and Cheney made in the region under Reagan? Anyway, I get this weird/funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. And it makes me feel all gross and nervous. It’s like I feel bad for something, but I only get triggered into feeling it when I’m reminded of how we sold the Iraq War. What’s that feeling called? I dunno. Thought maybe you did. Let me know.

-Colin Pizzle

General Powell could not be reached for comment.

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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