We Obtained a Leaked Transcript of Trump’s State of the Union

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Through a completely unforeseen chain of events, this publication received a leaked draft of the speech President Donald Trump will deliver tonight, during his State of the Union address.

Trump’s second such address was delayed by the partial government shutdown that started at the end of last year. Initially, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi extended the traditional invitation to Trump, but days later she rescinded it, citing security and staffing concerns because the government was still shut down. It was unclear for a few weeks if this year’s State of the Union would be delivered at all, or if it would be in a formal letter delivered to Congress, as many other presidents did in years past.

When Trump agreed to sign a bill opening the government without the funding for his border wall that he was demanding when the government shuttered, Pelosi re-extended the invitation to give the speech from the floor of the House of Representatives. Some have wondered what kind of tone Trump will strike, as this is the first time he’ll be giving the speech to a divided congress.

Our publication was somehow emailed a copy of the speech Trump will give, and the email was sent from Stephen Miller, a senior policy adviser to the president. The email was sent to a list called “Fake News Outlets and Enemies of the People.” Mr. Miller told us via Skype that he had meant to send the draft to a different email list called “Not Fake News Outlets, Friends of Our Dear President.”

In the interest of accuracy, we have decided to reprint the speech in its entirety, verbatim, below.


My Fellow Americans, Even the Losers Who Didn’t Vote for Me,

OOGA BOOGA MEXICANS!

OOGA BOOGA MUSLIMS!

OOGA BOOGA MEXICAN MUSLIMS!

OOGA BOOGA SOCIALISM!

OOGA BOOGA SOCIALST MEXICAN MUSLIMS!

OOGA BOOGA CROOKED HILLARY AND PREVIOUS BLACK ADMINISTRATION’S BIRTH CERTIFICATE!

Thank you, and God bless the United States of America That Gave Me All Their Electoral College Votes!

Good night!


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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