NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The Donald J. Trump presidential campaign at the time of publication is not confirming or denying that a leaked copy of a speech that was found on a Google Drive reportedly connected to the billionaire reality-TV star secured with a password of “12345” is in fact a first draft of his inaugural address.
The speech, which is only four paragraphs long because as the email that introduces it says, “Donald doesn’t want to get bogged down with a script, and instead wants to wing as much of the speech as possible.” The email said Trump is “most comfortable speaking from the hip” and that “his supporters seem to love his rambling, often incoherent tangents.”
Though the Trump camp has not confirmed the contents of the speech, they also refused to deny it as well, and so we have decided to run the leaked draft in its entirety, which follows below.
Thank you. Thank you. Settle down now. Your new leader is speech-a-fying.
My fellow Americans, I must first start by thanking the majority of you who turned out to vote for me. It feels so personally gratifying to know that of the 40% of you that are able to vote and did, that about half of that 40% voted for me, and I plan to lead this country in exactly the way that fraction of America’s populace wants me to. I was able, thanks to my vast, yooge connections, find out who each and every one of you cast your vote for, and let me tell you, the ones who voted for me? You’re in for such a sweet, sweet time. Those of you that didn’t?
Well, you’re kinda fucked. But we’ll get to all that later. I have, what, a two or three year term coming up here? I can’t remember, that friggin’ Constitution is long, dry, and boring. Like my johnson. HI-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! But I digest. Let me get back to the main point I’m making here.
You elected me because you, indeed, want to make America great again. Well, I want to challenge you all. If you want to make your country great again, you must take control. You’ve taken your first step in electing me your supreme presidential guy person. But you can’t think selfishly now. You have to dig deep, and step outside yourself, outside your comfort zone. It’s going to take you asking some hard questions of yourself, but ultimately there is just one question you need to ask yourself, “What does Donald want?”
After all, you voted for me because you want me to be everything the Constitution tells me to be as your president — a benevolent dictator. So from now on, run everything by me. Want to build a new road in your town? Email me for permission first. Want to put in a new light rail system in your state? Clear it by your Uncle Donald first. If we’re going to make this country great again, we need to do it the Trump way. That means slapping my name on everything and then promptly running it into the ground of course.
So, let me conclude by saying to you, ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for me. And then fucking do it IMMEDIATELY or you’ll be arrested and shit. Because it’s Trump time, mothafuckaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas!
This is a developing story.