Leaked Memo Shows FCC Acknowledges It’s a “Cocksucking, Puritanical, Bullshit Bureaucracy”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — An internal memo from the Federal Communications Commission shows that at least some of the FCC’s board of executives believe their organization has garnered itself a bad reputation, and the memo states that one exec in particular referred to it as a “cocksucking, puritanical, bullshit bureaucracy” in need of a “wake up call.” The FCC has found itself in the headlines this past week after it was announced it would be investigating a monologue delivered by comedian Stephen Colbert on his show, “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.” Colbert made national headlines when, at the end of his monologue one night, he unleashed a torrent of barbs against President Donald Trump, the most memorable of which was referring to the president as Vladimir Putin’s “cock holster.”

“Ladies and gentlemen of the FCC,” the memo states, “perhaps it is time for us, as an organization, to stop kowtowing to the religious right. I cannot be the only one at the FCC that is embarrassed when I read about us probing a comedian’s monologue, can I? Are we no longer flag bearers for freedom of speech? For God’s sake, they bleeped out all the profanity on the show, so why are we even taking up this case?”

The memo seems to indicate that whoever wrote it believes the only reason Colbert’s monologue is getting attention is a political one.

“It seems to me this cocksucking, puritanical bureaucracy is more interested in protecting the president,” the memo states, “than in protecting our airwaves. How in the world did we not investigate the Access Hollywood ‘grab them by the pussy’ tape but we’re investigating jokes? How can we can we be targeting Colbert when Fox News has a well-documented past of outright lying and presenting it as news?”

There is no indication within the memo of whether or not the FCC’s board will take any action to change its reputation.

“I get it though,” the memo states, “this country has always had to take two steps forward and three steps back because of how it can’t just level with religious fundamentalists. But this one obviously goes beyond that. There is zero reason for this body to probe a comedian’s monologue unless we’re trying to intimidate them into not speaking out. That seems like soft censorship to me. And it’s no wonder that so many people hate our fucking guts, y’all.”

The Trump White House declined comment on this story.

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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