Leaked E-mail: Clinton Will Officially Rechristen U.S. Armed Forces As “The Hillitary”

Recently, the Democratic National Committee has been the target of high-profile cyber attacks, resulting in thousands of emails being stolen, allegedly by Russian hackers. One of those emails has reportedly made its way to several media outlets, and its contents are sure to have those on America’s political right-wing up in arms. According to the email, if elected, former-Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton would seek to have the U.S. Armed forces henceforth known as “The Hillitary.”

“We think this is a great branding opportunity,” the email says, “and Hillary’s in total agreement. Her legacy will be enhanced just that much more if she can go from top attorney to First Lady of Arkansas to the First Lady of the United States to a New York Senator to Secretary of State, to President, and then caps it all off by getting to rename the military as the Hillitary.”

The email makes the case that in many ways Clinton expects to be much more hawkish than President Obama, who she said she’d rename drones after, calling them O-bombers after the name change takes effect. This hawkishness “lends itself” to the rechristening of the armed forces as The Hillitary, the email argues. There are other changes that the Clinton Administration would seek within the renamed military as well, and those changes might rile Republicans more than the proposed name change would.

“In the Hillitary, gay soldiers aren’t just allowed, they’re encouraged to bring their spouses along, right to the front lines,” the email states, “so that they can keep right on gay sexing each other while the fight our enemies abroad.” Another recommendation from Team Clinton will be that uniforms be made optional, and that the nuclear launch codes will be changed to Saul Alinsky’s birth date, as Ms. Clinton feels that is the most important date in all of American history, “much more so than that July 5th date or whatever,” the email states.

Reached for comment, President Obama said he “admire[s] Hillary’s tenacity and gumption” and that “if Emperor Alinksy ordered it, so shall it be.” Obama said he hopes that Clinton will be able to remove “In God We Trust” from American currency as well as “make any and all other major, fundamental changes she sees fit in order to bring America more in line with the sinister liberal agenda of enslaving people to government forever and ever, Muslim Amen.”


Requests for a comment from the Clinton Campaign were not returned by the time of publication. This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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