WASHINGTON, D.C. — While officials from the Obama Administration at the time of publication are denying it, a new and explosive memo has leaked to certain press outlets that could cause quite a controversy to stir, and if the memo is authenticated, could mean an unprecedented Constitutional crisis.
Late Monday night, an anonymous Gmail account sent over 200 independent media outlets an email that the source claims to be a memo from the White House to both Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and outgoing Speaker of the House John Boehner with a carbon copy, or “cc” to Chief Justice John Roberts of the Supreme Court. In it, Obama reportedly tells McConnell, Boehner, and Roberts that their “thrice-a-week meetings” have been “quite enjoyable” for him, and that he is ready to “initiate Order 1469” just weeks before the 2016 presidential election, to be held next November.
Though the exact details of Order 1469 are not discussed in the memo, some can be gleaned by context. The memo says that “going full-on tyrant will take a large, concerted effort, especially when it comes time to take all the guns away.” The confiscation of firearms would be enough to get many riled up, but later in the memo Obama reminds his Republican co-conspirators that they “are only taking guns out of the Bible belt” in order to “ensure that the Christian values this nation were built on will not be defended too heavily.”
With so much inner-turmoil both between and within the major parties, the idea of the entire U.S. Government willingly turning tyrannical on the American people seems like a far-fetched conspiracy theory to many pundits, but the if the veracity of the leaked memo is proven, then one can see Obama addressing that point himself. “Oh sure, we are so opposed to each other that gridlock would kill a bill to officially declare that two-plus-two equals four,” Obama says in the memo, “but that doesn’t mean we can’t get together on a plot to go full-on tyrannical against the people who voted for us, does it?”
“It will not be easy,” Obama says in the closing paragraph of the memo, “because they’ve been on to us the whole time. I’ve been monitoring their Facebook pages and I instructed a team of nerds to create me a computer console that only refreshes the home page of World Net Daily every 30 seconds. I know they have caught on, and we barely got away with Jade Helm. But we also learned with that operation exactly what we needed to know, and so I am confident that before November of 2016, we can initiate Order 1469, declare martial (or “marshall” so the Tea Partiers will understand) law and establish our fully tyrannical government.”
“I only hope they don’t realize that the Second Amendment was written exactly for these circumstances, where all logic and reality have ceased to mean anything and this totally fractured government is about to crazy-ass tyrannical bastard on them,” the memo concludes, “because then they might be able to beat us, what with our drone fired missiles and the world’s largest Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marine Corps ever. It’s too bad they never figured out they could just vote us all out, but hey, let’s go make a few backyard commandos’ wet dreams come true!”