Lauren Boebert Wishes Happy May 4th to ‘All Fans of Star Tracks’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Freshman Congresswoman Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) is a big fan of movies, even if she criticizes the Hollywood media complex that produces them. Before COVID-19, friends and colleagues say the GED-educated representative would spend her weekends at the cinema, taking in various films, and would often talk about the movies she saw with them.

Today is May 4th, which has become known worldwide as a day when people celebrate one of the most popular film franchises of all time. It’s a franchise that has seen several movies and television programs. It’s a franchise created by a legend of cinematic science fiction. And today, Boebert joined millions of people all over the planet in celebrating that franchise.

MORE: Billionaire Will Be ‘Forced to Hide Money’ From Different Country If Biden Raises His Taxes

Or, rather, she made the best effort to join in the fun that her brain cell would allow her to make.

“I just want to remind you all that I’m here every day working to beat back the tyranny of those who were duly elected by Americans who disagree with me about political issues, but also that today is the Fourth of May,” Boebert said excitedly, “Which of course means I get to say to all, ‘Live long, and have a prosperous fourth day of the month of May,’ like we cool people always say to each other today! So from me to all fans of Star Tracks, I hope you have a great day. And also guns are literally the only thing that matter in the world.”

Rep. Boebert told her constituents that her favorite character in Star Tracks is the “big hairy guy who no one can understand.”

“I think he’s a Klingon or a Democrat or whatever. He’s cool though, because he has a big gun he shoots and it goes PEW PEW,” Boebert said excitedly. “I mean, honestly, I just about like any character who uses a gun. Those laser swords I don’t care about, but they are weapons, so they’re at least kinda cool.”

Boebert then held up her middle finger on her right hand, told everyone she was doing the “hand thingy from Star Tracks’ and repeated what she’s pretty sure is the day’s catchphrase.

“Live long, and have a prosperous fourth day of the month of May, everybody! Boebert, out,” the congresswoman said before pulling out her Glock and emptying it into the air.

MORE: Hannity Slams Complete Sentences and Cogent Thoughts in Biden’s First Congressional Address

Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This