Last Twix in Breast Pocket Stops Bullet, Saves Oregon Militia Squatter’s Life

BEND, OREGON — After a traffic stop led to seven arrests and the death of one of their most famous soldiers, the Oregon militia standoff at a federal bird observattory seems to be reaching its zenith, and one member of the militia, Oregon First Militia Private Corporal Master Chief Grant Ryan, says he nearly died along with LaVoy Finicum during the firefight that took place before the arrests were made.

“I had been out on my routine patrols,” Private Corporal Master Chief Ryan told us via Skype this morning, “when the shit started to go down.” Ryan said that as the firefight broke out between Ammon Bundy and five other militia members he knew he had to “take a more observational stance” and so he dropped back and watched from what he thought was a safe distance.

It wasn’t a safe enough distance though, and a stray bullet fired from one of the militia’s rifles struck Ryan directly in the chest.

“I was freaking out; panicking. I’d never been shot before,” Ryan said, “and even though I know as a card-carrying, ammo-hoarding American that guns are benevolent tools sent to us by the Christ Child himself to root out our enemies, I never wanted to actually get shot by one!”

But, Ryan said, he quickly realized he wasn’t bleeding. Why wasn’t he bleeding? He says that’s when he reached inside his heavy winter coat and felt something hard and lumpy in the breast pocket of his shirt.

“I felt it, a Twix bar in my pocket! I was saved by the Hand of God himself, and of course that sweet, sweet, Twix,” Ryan said. With an indignant tone, he bit out a laugh and then said, “And all those libtarded libtards were making fun of us for asking our friends and supporters for snacks. Well guess what, libtards? Those snacks just saved my life.”

Ryan said that in tribute to his fallen brother, he ate around the bullet fragment in the candy bar, and will send what was left of it to LaVoy’s next of kin. As is the tradition in their militia, Ryan will get first claiming rights to any “women folk” that LaVoy was “a-courtin’ or a-squirtin'” with after the gesture.

“I’m pretty stoked on that actually, because I haven’t been laid ever,” Ryan said, “and plus, LaVoy’s cousin-sister is hot as hell. Win-win.”

The militia members that still occupy the observatory have vowed to remain and fight on, and are also prepared to die.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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