The Most Extensive List Of The Last Jedi Spoilers Anywhere

Not everyone likes spoilers, we get that here. In fact, many people go through great efforts to avoid spoilers for movies, TV shows, and books they love. Still, there are many people who don’t care about having things spoiled for them, and this article is for you!

Are you tired of waiting to watch The Last Jedi in order to know stuff about it? Then boy are you in luck. We scoured the Internet for every single rundown of spoilers in the latest installment of the Star Wars saga, and then we compile them into this one, mega-huge list. We hope you enjoy it, and please let us know if we missed anything we need to spoil!

  • There is no such thing as “The Force,” it’s just made up to sell action figures.
  • Yoda’s real name is Farts Magoo.
  • Now lightspeed doesn’t exist and you cannot actually travel faster than light, but you can make a laser sword and chop of your friend’s hand with it.
  • Daisy Ridley will NOT attend your fraternity’s spring formal dance, so don’t even ask, Billy.
  • No one cares all that much about your opinions on Star Wars.
  • Lando Calrissian is played by former Skid Row singer Sebastian Bach.
  • Most of the flying tauntauns were shot practically, using George Lucas’ dog Jaws as inspiration.
  • Tatooine blows up when someone forgets they left the gas on in a Jawa sandcrawler and lights a match.
  • The Bruce Willis character is also dead.
  • Captain Phasma marries Han Solo, who she saved from lazy screenwriting certain death by catching him as a fell, patching up his saber wound, and using copious amounts of Neosporin.
  • Rey keeps calling Kyle a cuck throughout the entire first act.
  • Spock comes back in Star Trek III.


  • The Taco Bell product placement as the sponsor of the Death Star was approved by Walt Disney, personally.
  • The Last Jedi almost got an R-rating from the MPAA, but producers decided to cut the porg orgy scene and replace it instead with a single shot of Leia taking a massive dump.
  • Rey’s parents had a Star Wars penis and Star Wars vagina.
  • Deadpool was played by Jeremy Bulloch, the original Boba Fett
  • Six hours into the movie, Ben Kenobi and Darth Vader do a puppet show for Rey and Luke.
  • BB-8 has a shower scene in which Poe tells him to stop “mastur-BB-ating.”
  • The prequels are still terrible Star Wars films.
  • Luke Skywalker officially renames the Jedi the “Brown Eye” and makes non-stop butt hole jokes for most of the film.
  • Grand Moff Tarkin’s second cousin twice removed on his mother’s side lives on the Millennium Falcon with Chewbacca.
  • We finally learned what penises and vaginae look like in the Star Wars universe.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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