“The Last Jedi” Brings in Historic $23 Squintjillion Opening Weekend Haul

Before its release, many in Tinseltown predicted that the latest installment in the Star Wars franchise would break box office records. Each successive episode or standalone film in the series has brought in successively more and more cash upon its release.

The Last Jedi just shattered everyone’s expectations and then some.

“Of course we thought we had a hit on our hands,” one unnamed Disney exec told us, “but we had no idea it would make so much money we had to invent a number for it.”

In its opening weekend, the film brought in an astounding $23 squintjillion at the box office. To compare, The Last Jedi’s prequel, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, brought in a fraction of that amount; just .007 squintjillion dollars. It’s being rumored that Disney has begun construction on a new building to house all the money taken in during the weekend, and a concept drawing of that building is seen below.

Fans have been mixed in their reviews of The Last Jedi. Some feel the forty minute Wookiee orgy was too much, while others feel it wasn’t quite long enough but the money shot was too derivative of the Death Star’s primary weapon. Still other fans thought that the choice to cast Mark Hamill not just as Luke Skywalker, but in a truly unforeseen twist, Luke’s heretofore unbeknownst little brother Bob. Rumors are already swirling of a Bob & Luke spin-off series.

Some fans of the series have taken to social media to complain that this film didn’t do enough to obviously reboot the original franchise. One Internet commenter said she was “frankly shocked and taken aback” at how many times the script for The Last Jedi didn’t exactly mirror a movie in the first trilogy except with a couple names or genders swapped.

“I gotta be honest,” the commenter wrote, “I am frankly taken aback at how brazenly Rian Johnson and the film’s crew didn’t just copy/paste The Empire Strikes Back verbatim. Would’ve made a much more logical follow-up to The Force Awakens.”

Clocking in at just over sixteen hours, this is also the longest Star Wars film to date.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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