Las Vegas AAA Chapter: You Stop a Bad Guy in a Car With a Good Guy in a Car

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA — Ray Samuels of the Las Vegas chapter of the Automobile Association of America, or AAA as it’s more commonly referred to, told reporters at a press conference outside the group’s office that when 24-year-old Lakeisha N. Holloway drove her car up onto the sidewalk of the Strip, killing one and injuring more than thirty others, it was proof that “only a good guy in a car can stop a bad guy — or girl in this case — in a car.”

“As you can see, all the traffic laws in the world can’t stop someone who is determined to kill people from killing,” Samuels told reporters, “and that’s why AAA is going to start lobbying governmental officials to take all the laws governing the operation, licensing, and registration of motor vehicles off the books. Even though decades of legislative work are one of the main reasons you don’t hear about this stuff happening on accident anymore, and it literally takes a willful act of misusing the car from its original design, we’ve determined that laws are just useless unless they completely stop a problem from happening in the first place, and should all be repealed immediately.”

Samuels told the various members of the media at the presser that he believes with “all [his] heart” that “if only one or two of those pedestrians had been driving in their own car” that Holloway would have been stopped, or at least been prevented from hurting as many as she did. “Think about it,” he said, “if an experienced demolition derby driver for instance had been in their car at the time, and seen the alleged perpetrator drive up on the sidewalk, they could have rammed her car and probably ended the incident much, much sooner, and maybe even with a few less injuries.”

“AAA is now recommending that every person, no matter their age or mental health state be immediately given drivers’ licenses and cars,” Samuels said, “because as this random, isolated incident that would be probably far more common in a world where there were no common sense restrictions on the ability to drive a car shows, cops can’t be everywhere and stop everything. That’s why we need the good citizens of this country to stay vigilant and stay behind the wheel of their car, just in case tragedy strikes and they’re needed to do their duty.”

One reporter asked Samuels if it would just make the situation worse to have more people who are not trained as law enforcement driving dangerously in an attempt to stop the perpetrator. “What kind of liberal crazy talk is that,” Samuels asked rhetorically before saying, “everyone knows the only way solve problems is to exacerbate them first.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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