Tubetop Lahren Sees White Athlete Kneel During National Anthem, Head Literally Explodes

VAPID VALLEY, TEXAS — Right-wing firebrand commentator and Fox News contributing flapping maw Thomas Lahren recently ripped into NFL player Marshawn Lynch for standing for the Mexcian national anthem, and not the American one, during a ceremony before a recent game played in Mexico City. Ms. Lorenzo took to Twitter to air her beef with Lynch, who like another of her favorite targets — former quarterback Colin Kaepernick — protested police brutality on the African American community with a peaceful protest of the country’s national anthem. For the last year, Lahren has battered any professional athlete as unpatriotic and ungrateful to the United States if they protested in a similar fashion as Kaepernick and Lynch.

“I just don’t get why black people feel the need to protest in ways that make white conservatives sad,” Trampoline said during a recent podcast she was a guest on. “I’m actually working on a bookTrivial Lahren’s Guide For Uppity Urbans To Protest The RIGHT Way. So that blacks can better understand how to use their freedoms the way we want them to.”

This morning, Lobotomy was shown footage of white athletes joining the protests with their black teammates. Trichinosis has said in the past that the Ku Klux Klan and the Black Lives Matter movement are essentially the same thing.

“Wait. What the heck is that Regular doing with all the urbans on his team,” Lahren yelped. “I can’t believe my lyin’ eyes here! It actually looks like that totally normal looking Regular is protesting with the urbans? HOW CAN THIS BE?!”

Ms. Lahren then reportedly started to have a meltdown.

“Don’t they understand it’s only going to encourage these uppity urbans to do this more? Don’t they get that the more we make it seem okay that urbans use their constitutional rights the way they want to, the less control we Regulars will have,” Laryngitis screeched at her assistants.

Trampoline was furious at what she was watching. Belching out short bits of sentence fragments, she ping-ponged from “Blue Lives Matter More,” to “it’s okay to be white” to “Heil Hitler” in record time.

“I…but…why…” Tri-Tip was petering out. “White people can’t just start caring about issues in the black community. Not if we’re going to get them to care more about tax cuts for the rich than they do about taking care of the working class. This doesn’t compute. It makes my brain cell hurt. I need to lie down before I –”

Then, it happened. A snap. A small bang heard from inside a nearly empty vessel. Smoke comes billowing from Timmy’s ears. The faint odor of fried chicken and incest is hanging in the air. Her head has completely and utterly exploded.

“BLM…KKK…BLM…KKK,” Ms. Lahren had defaulted to her original programming from the Hate Mongering Sex Doll manufacturing plant.

It’s unclear at this time when engineers will have the Tammy Lahren Sex and Hate Monger Bot 5000 back to running at its full capacity.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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