LA Gay Couple Prepared To Be Blamed for All Natural Disasters ‘From Here On Out’

Two guys watching tv, eating pistachios

Roux du Bigot, Louisiana — Ryan Hampton and Alex Cebulak have been involved romantically for fifteen years. Hampton met Cebulak when both were legal interns at a law firm in their town of Roux du Bigot in the southern part of Louisiana. They fell quickly in love, and according to Hampton they were “so happy to find each other, living in a red state like this one” even though they “had to keep our relationship on the way down-low at first.” Hampton told The Political Garbage Chute that he and Cebulak were besides themselves with joy after last week’s momentous Supreme Court Decision made gay marriage the law of the land, paving the way for LGBT couples to wed and have their marriages recognized in all fifty states.

However, Cebulak tells us, he and Hampton are fully prepared for the backlash that will come when they — and millions of other gay couples in America — get married. “We’re totally prepared to be blamed for pretty much every natural disaster that happens from here on out,” Cebulak said. “Last year, when a twister tore up the RV park over on Grand, guess what the local pastors all said? They said it was because Ryan and I had just applied for a bank loan together for our house were buying,” Alex went on to say.

“Oh yeah, and remember when the McDonald’s on 5th stopped selling McRibs? The local baptist church had a Get The Gays Out of Our Town parade, and they even sent Al and I letters, demanding to know when we were going to stop ‘gaying it up all over town’ so they could have their pressed meat shape sandwiches back,” Hampton added. “I mean, here we are just trying to carve out a space for ourselves in society where we can be happy, fulfilled and productive, and every time something remotely bad comes along, they all blame the gays. It’s like Pat Robertson has these folks on speed-dial or something, I tell you what,” he continued.

Cebuluk and Hampton tell The Political Garbage Chute that no matter how bad the blame for things outside their control gets, they’ll never consider leaving their Louisiana hometown. “We’ve lived here our whole lives. We went to high school together. We grew up together, watching the same movies at the same drive-in on Friday nights. We’re two good ol’ boys who happen to like making out with each other, and that’s just too much for some in our town to handle,” Cebulak told us. “Some of our friends have asked us why we don’t move to a more gay friendly part of the country like San Francisco, and I always tell them it’s not my responsibility to leave my friends, family and support system so that some asshole redneck can keep discriminating, because I promise you that if Ryan and I packed up tomorrow, they wouldn’t stop hating gays; they’d just find more gays to hate.”

“We’re here for the long haul,” Hampton echoed his mate’s feelings, “and that means laying down big ol’ gay roots in this town. We’re talking about adopting another child after we get married at the beginning of next year.” Hampton said that when the news broke of the Supreme Court’s decision, both he and Cebulak were so overcome with joy they “literally proposed to each other” at the same time. “I just looked at him, he looked at me, and we shouted through tears of joy, ‘Do you wanna get married, dude’ at the same damn time!”

The couple says their wedding will be “small and tasteful” but “queer as fuck” and they fully expect to be blamed for something because of it. “All I know is that any rain storm, traffic accident or incident of someone shitting their pants will be blamed on us for a solid decade, I’m sure,” Cebulak insisted. “We’re not going anywhere. We’ve waited our entire lives to be given the chance to live in love and commitment without stigma, and we plan to enjoy that life of true freedom in our favorite place — where we live. So they can riot in the streets if they want; it won’t stop our love from meaning to us what we want it to mean. That’s what last week’s decision was — permission to exhale just a little bit. We have so much farther to go not just for us gay folk, but for every letter of the LGBT community, and we can’t stop at marriage either. We need our full battery of protections from idiotic, regressive, low-brow, knuckle dragging simpletons.

But it was a start, goddamnit. The day finally got here, and we’re too busy reveling in happiness to care of Billy Bob Joe Jack, Jr. thinks it’s because of our love that the levees broke. We’re too busy being in love and committed to one another to stop and think about Susie Christian-Face crying tears of sorrow because Ryan and I are happily married. We’re over that. We don’t have to care about that crap anymore. So bring on the hate, haters. We’re ready. We’ve beat you once, we’ll beat you all again.”