LAC BLEU, LOUISIANA — When the torrential rains that wreaked utter havoc on his state last week subsided, 48-year-old Gerald Hoffstra says he was “surprised, but elated” that the man he’s voting for in this year’s election made an appearance.
“When I saw Mr. Trump handing out that Play-Doh he gave to Pastor Perkins hate group — excuse me — religious organization,” Hoffstra told us, “it was forty-nine seconds of the most beautiful act of kindness, generosity, and attention whoring I’ve ever seen.”
Hoffstra says Trump’s charity was “inspirational,” even though the Play-Doh wouldn’t help dry any flood waters, and wasn’t edible, and that it was only donated to a church run by Tony Perkins, President of the Family Research Council. Hoffstra is convinced “that less-than-a-minute of a photo-op” will turn the tide in the election, and that momentum will now carry Trump to the White House. Gerald says that “once the media unskews their polls, people will see the completley minimal effort” Trump put in will “make serious inroads with the American people.”
“You know who won’t be helped by this though,” Hoffstra asked snidely, “the Golfer in Chief.”
Hoffstra was referring to the fact that President Barack H. Obama (D-Kenya), didn’t cut his vacation in New England short to come visit the flood-damaged areas of his state. The Democratic governor of Louisiana had told Obama he’d prefer it if the visit was postponed few days as the security requirements for a visiting presidents are quite stringent, and the state’s law enforcement resources were busy handling flood-related emergencies. But Hoffstra says that’s “not any excuse.”
“The way I see it,” Gerald said, “the president is the president. He should do what he wants, whenever he wants. Unless it involves guns or immigrants of course. Though, if he’s a Republican, then yeah, he pretty much has omnipotent, God-like powers that no one should question, like, ever.”
As President Obama showed up in his state, Hoffstra says he was “shocked and appalled” how long his visit lasted, and that he didn’t come bearing any trinkets. Mr. Hoffstra says that while the supplies Trump brought didn’t actually go to anyone not associated with Perkins’ group, that at least the alleged-billionaire’s gesture “spoke to the great American need for useless, cheaply made merchandise” and “reinforced that heterosexual Christians should get first dibs on relief.”
“Jesus Christ,” Hoffstra demanded, “does he actually, like, care about us or something? He’s the president he shouldn’t stand around making speeches, trying to raise our spirits and reassure us our government won’t let us fall through the cracks. He needs to get off his plane, hand out some bullshit, take a few pictures, and be on his way! He ain’t gonna win this election without bringing us at least some Play-Doh or a Hot Wheel racetrack or something.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.