Trump Defends Abandoning Kurds Because They Didn’t Help The U.S. in Revolutionary War

WASHINGTON, D.C. — To say that President Donald Trump’s presidency is in peril would be an understatement. 

The House of Representatives, under the control of Trump’s opposing party, is in the midst of an impeachment inquiry. While the president may have ducked seriously harmful damage to his administration in terms of the Mueller Report, the same cannot be said about his now infamous call with the newly elected Ukrainian president, nor of his very public entreaty to China to investigate former Vice President Joe Biden and his son Hunter. 

At a time when Trump could really use as much support from his fellow Republicans as possible, he seems to have opened up an avenue for them to criticize him as well. Senators like Lindsey Graham have lambasted Trump’s decision to pull U.S. forces out of Syria, exposing Kurdish allies to Turkish attacks, which have already begun. The president has been defensive of his decision to pull troops out of Syria, insisting that it had nothing to do with the fact that he owns luxury properties in Turkey, and instead casting the decision as one made to put a stop to “endless wars,” as Trump describes them.

On the White House lawn this morning, Trump was pacing around, waiting for a helicopter to take him to a local donut shop with a helipad, installed specially for the president’s visits. Reporters peppered Trump with questions about the impeachment inquiry against him in the House, as well as his thoughts on abandoning the Kurds in Syria. Trump waved off criticisms with his miniscule hand.

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“No, no, no. I won’t listen to any FAKE NEWS BOB MUELLER CROOKED HILLARY SLEEPY JOE NEWS questions about me pulling out,” Trump yelled. “In fact, Ivanka told me last night she’s always very grateful when I decide to pull out, so I have all the support I need.”

Farting, Trump seemed to have more thoughts on the Syria situation, and he expounded on them.

“Look, everyone keeps talking about they’re our allies. But, and I hate to be so crass about this, but what have the Kurds done for us, historically speaking,” Trump asked rhetorically. “They weren’t there when we stormed the beaches of Normandy. They weren’t there when we were fighting against Lincoln’s war of aggression. Hell, they didn’t even help us win our Revolutionary War! Even the French did that! And they’re cucks, remember!”

Trump didn’t stop there. Next, he pointed out that it’s “not just America” that the Kurds haven’t helped in historical conflicts. The president rattled off a list of times when the Kurds didn’t provide military assistance.

“Has anyone look into whether the Kurds were even willing to help defend the Walls of Jericho from coming a-tumbling down? What about when I played Red Rover with my schoolmates,” Trump asked snidely. “I don’t recall any single Kurdish soldier coming to help shore up my defenses so little Susan Terwilliger Jones couldn’t break through my arms! And when she did, and all the kids laughed at me, I knew I’d get back at the Kurds one day. I’m just saying loyalty is everything to me.”

Trump farted once more.

“Actually, let me rephrase that,” Trump said. “Loyalty to me is everything to me. Be loyal to me, and I’ll hook you up. Look at Erdogan and Turkey. He was loyal to me and let me keep my Trump tower there, and I let him slaughter a few thousand people. See? LOYAL.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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