Koch Brothers Hastily Trying to Stuff Deflated Scott Walker With Hundred Dollar Bills

The Scott Walker 2016 presidential campaign is in trouble. That’s the consensus among most political pundits from all over the political spectrum. He’s polling much lower than most in his party thought he would, helped by the fact that he can’t quite seem to get a clear message out that doesn’t heavily parrot front runner Donald Trump, who is sucking up most of the attention around the Republican primary. In a new twist, Walker’s flagging numbers have been matched by his literal deflation, as cubic foot after cubic foot of hot air escapes his mouth in a furious attempt to wrest control of the party back from Trump.

“All that flailing away at birthright citizenship, climate change, and abortion rights has left Governor Walker literally flat,” a Walker aide speaking on the condition of  a breakfast burrito told us. “There were some structural integrity issues, and now he’s leaking hot air all over the place,” the Walker aide told us. According to sources close to the Walker camp, two of his biggest financial supporters — Charles and David Koch of Koch Industries — are starting to panic and are not furiously stuffing hundred dollar bills into Walker’s rapidly deflating silicone and polymer frame, hoping to keep him propped up with as much dark money as they can.

The plan, according to people close to the Kochs, is to keep stuffing one-hundred dollar bills into any empty cavities they can find in Walker’s structure, but focusing primarily on his large, bowl-shaped empty skull. It’s unclear at this stage, according to the same sources, if the Koch brothers are considering backing any other candidates. “They seem committed to propping up Scott Walker,” one source told us, “no matter how empty headed he seems to be.”

“If Walker’s numbers don’t start improving soon, he runs a risk of being completely blown out of the field,” was how Harold Winston, a conservative radio host in Iowa put it. Winston told The Political Garbage Chute that “the fact that Walker is losing to Trump so badly should not only scare the Kochs, but it should scare every single Republican voter who actually thought our party had a chance this time around.” Winston says that as a conservative Republican he knows that “you have to sell conservative ideas in a slick, likable package” and that “Trump is neither slick, nor likable” but that “ultimately Republicans will be drawn first and foremost to assholes; everything else comes second.”

Though it’s unclear just how much money the Kochs are willing to keep stuffing into Walker to keep him inflated, a new SuperPAC has been formed expressly for collecting donations to help supplement their budget. Plump Up The Dud PAC says in their charter they are “completely committed to keeping flimsy, vapid demagogues with no real ideas of their own at the forefront of the debate,” and a spokesman for the group told us he is “extremely confident they can keep finding scared, rich, white conservatives to hand [them] money by the truck load” because “at the end of the day, they’re scared shitless of their taxes going up by a few pennies on the dollar and will just keep feeding the beast, no matter how abysmally he’s performing.”

More on this story as it develops.


James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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