WASHINGTON, D.C. — A truly stupid, know nothing president was impeached by the House of Representatives last night, becoming just the third man to be saddled with such ignominy.
Over the course of time, this dumb-as-a-box-of-dildos man has come to label his political foes, the Democrats in the House, as the “Do Nothing Democrats.” Upon even cursory inspection, this pejorative nickname makes very little sense. To begin with, the House has passed over 400 bills, many of them on a bipartisan basis, only to see those bills stalled by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow). But even more damning to the Idiot in Chief’s claims that the Democrats are “Do Nothings” is the simple and unavoidable fact that they, at the very least, have “done something.”
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Namely, they’ve impeached him. According to several sources within the moron’s administration, the president is currently grappling with, and struggling to understand, how people who he believes “do nothing” were able to do so very much to his legacy. People working in the White Power House have confirmed it’s mostly been a morning of rage-crying and rage-pant-shitting coming from within the Oval Office.
“HOW, MY BEEYOUTEEFUL IVANKA?! HOW COULD DO NOTHING DO THIS TO ME,” the sounds could be heard reverberating within the hallways of the president’s residence. “I FLAT OUT CALLED THEM ‘DO NOTHING’ AND BILLY BARR SAID WHATEVER I SAY HAS TO GO! WHO GAVE THESE CUCKS THE IDEA THEY HAVE SOME KIND OF POWERS TO HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE?! TELL ME IVANKA! TELL ME NOW!”
It’s unclear at this time what, if anything, First Lady Ivanka Trump was able to do to calm her totally batshit crazy and inane father/lover down. Later in the morning, a more baleful, sorrowful tone of voice was overheard coming from the Oval Office. Sources say the nincompoop in chief was asking anyone who came in to visit him or speak to him about something if they had any ideas how to wipe the stain of impeachment off his record.
“What if…can I…just send Jared or Stephen Miller over to Congress with some white out or an eraser,” the titanically inept fool asked. “There has to be some way to wash the stink of impeachment off! I already smell like treason, shame, corruption, and stupidity! I can’t add another stench to the potpourri of stank coming off me! Help me! won’t someone help me?!”
Last night, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi threw a big curveball at the White House when she announced that she and the Democrats would be immediately handing over the articles of impeachment for a trial in the Senate. Instead, it seems Pelosi’s gambit is to hold the articles as leverage on Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, forcing him to agree to call witnesses and hold a fair trial, instead of simply working with the White House to dismiss the charges as quickly as possible. With an election next year, it’s conceivable that Pelosi could hold the articles over the president’s head, and force McConnell into holding an impeachment trial the same year his party’s candidate is trying to secure re-election.
“HOLDING THE ARTICLES IS DOING SOMETHING! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK, NANCY?! I CALLED YOU DO NOTHINGS FOR A REASON,” Trump could be heard howling from inside the Oval Office.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.