Klansman Disavowing Trump Over Sebastian Gorka’s Connections To Hungarian Nazi Party

BEDFORD FORREST, MISSISSIPPI — Jeremiah “Two-Tooth” Jackson is sixty-four-years old and has been a card carrying, hood wearing member of the Ku Klux Klan for over most of it. Jackson joined the clan as a 22 year old construction worker in his hometown in Mississippi and has voted for Republicans his entire life. Last year, he proudly voted for Trump after one of his idols, former Grand Wizard David Duke, endorsed him.

However, since Sebastian Gorka, Donald Trump’s counter-terrorism adviser, has been outed as a member of a political party that the U.S. government has labeled as being “under the direction of the Nazi Government of Germany” during the Second World War.

“I’m a fuckin’ racist, not a Nazi,” Jackson told his local news station when they interviewed him.

Jeremiah has become somewhat of a local celebrity for his willingness to admit he’s in the Klan and to comment on issues as a representative of the Klan. He insists that even as a “guy who only loves whiteness and white people” he thinks Nazi-ism is a step too far.

“I want a whites-only country, no doubt,” Mr. Jackson admitted, “but I ain’t about genocide. I’m a kinder, gentler racist. I just want blacks and browns to decide on their own to leave the country. Maybe I’ll light a cross or something on their lawn, but rounding up and exterminating people is just disgusting.”

Jackson says his grandfather served in the fifteenth infantry battalion of the U.S. Army during World War II, and he’d be appalled if he supported anyone who supported Nazism.

“Grandpappy Jackson killed Nazis,” Jeremiah said, “and now Mr. Trump’s got one working for him? That’s incredibly disappointing. I voted for him so he’d be racist against Mexicans and heartless and cruel toward Muslims and refugees. Not to espouse genocide. Get a grip, Mr. President!”

He didn’t vote for Nazism, Jackson said, just “America First and foremost and only.” Jeremiah said his racism isn’t even the most important factor to him anymore. Jobs are.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong,” Two-Tooth told the local reporter, “I really want to create a white utopia. I really want to have this country as pure white as possible. But I want jobs first. We need a strong economy, so I voted for the orange guy who was a businessman. If I had known about his guy’s Nazi shit though? I’d have stayed home like I did for Mitt Romney and John McCain. I can always find someone not racist enough to vote for. But it’s really disheartening when you vote for someone who’s TOO racist.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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