KKK Plans Torchlight “Get Well Soon” Tribute and March for Steve Scalise

BEDFORD, MISSISSIPPI — By torchlight, a Mississippi chapter of the Ku Klux Klan plans to pay tribute to wish a speedy recovery to Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA). Mr. Scalise has been in critical condition and needs several surgeries, doctors say, after he was struck by a gunman’s bullet fired from a high-powered rifle earlier this week. The incident has sent shock waves of reaction throughout the political spectrum, with many people calling for unity and a reduction in incendiary rhetoric.

“Alls I knows is that Mr. Skay-lease had our backs and came to a white power convention once,” Beauregard Forest III told reporters this week, “and so you know what? We’d be fixin’ to put ourselves in a right horrible jam if we didn’t get his.”

Forest said that this Saturday he and the fifteen other members of his local chapter of the KKK will march down Main Street in his town. The klansmen will be carrying torches and some will have lowercase T’s they’ll light on “certain people’s lawns.” He said it’s the “klan virgin of one of those snowflake candelight vigils.”

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“If there’s one thing the klan knows how to do it’s lead a party of men down the street with torches and crosses,” Forest told the media, “so I think you’re going to see one hell of a display of compatriot support. Not since the first glorious shots were fired on Fort Sumter have we been so excited to amass together.”

Mr. Forest said that even if Rep. Scalise hadn’t attended a white power convention in the past, he’d still be encouraging his fellow klansmen to march for his speedy recovery.

“Look, the simple fact of the matter is that even if Steve wasn’t a racist, probably, he’d still be pro-gun,” Forest said, “and in fact he’s so pro-gun he champions the very policies that let a domestic abuser like the guy who shot him keep access to his guns. How many politicians are willing to take a bullet over their policies?”

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The march will start at sundown, and the marchers will be meeting in front of a statue erected to memorialize Jefferson Davis, president of the confederacy. Forest says he chose that spot as the meeting place because he knew Scalise would appreciate the symbolism.

“No doubt Mr. Skay-lease knows his history learnin’,” Forest said, “and so I think he’d get that it’s a truly bigly honor to have his get well soon lynching party — excuse me — march start in front of a monument to the greatest commander in chief this continent has ever seen.”

Rep. Scalise’s office could not be reached for comment.

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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