KKK Offers to Loan Richard Spencer’s Hipster Nazis Real Torches So They Don’t ‘Look Like Preppy Bitches’

The Ku Klux Klan has released a statement, offering to loan devout white supremacist Richard Spencer their torches. Spencer and a large group of like-minded Americans made headlines recently when they gathered around a Confederate monument in the State of Virginia to “protect” it from being torn down like many other monuments to the losing side of the Civil War in other parts of the country.

As reported in The Washington PostSpencer told people earlier that day why he was holding the rally.

“What brings us together is that we are white, we are a people, we will not be replaced,” Spencer said at an afternoon protest, the first of two rallies he led in the town where he once attended the University of Virginia. (source)

“You’re making all us racists look like pussies who can’t build our own torches for terrorizin’ the coloreds,”  the letter to Spencer from the Klan reads, “and as much as we’re clearly on the same side, you got yerself a real prollem with image with those Home Depot citronella Tiki torches!”

What follows below is a verbatim re-print of the Klan’s letter.

Deer Richard Spencer,

We good, clean, honest, gun hoarding, God fearing, white skin loving, dark skinned hating American paytreets of the Ku Klux Klan would like to offur you our torches for the next lynching party you do. You’re making all us racists look like pussies who can’t build our own torches for terrorizin’ the coloreds and as much as we’re clearly on the same side, you got yerself a real prollem with image with those Home Depot citronella Tiki torches!

Dick, we also gotta tell you, your khakis and too-tight blazer aren’t really all that intimidating. You guys all look like you stepped out of Dapper Dickhead magazine. Please let us allow borrow you are hoods and robes next time. No one is gunna feel threatened or scurred by a preppy, trust fund racist. You gotta look like a whyte knight atop his steed.

Oh, and if you wanna, we can give you some crosses for next time too. You can tell the authorities they’re just lowercase Trump T’s if’n you wanna avoid tanglin’ with them. We find a nice, flaming cross really ties the whole racist room together, if ya know what we mean.

Anyway, sir, please keep up the good fight. The South has risen again, thanks to the glorious orange shit golem in the White House, and you are doing Racist God’s work. As you know Racist God is the real God that libtarded Jews and Muslims and blacks and gays and Hindus and Lakers fans had stricken from the Bible to appease the pussified sensibilities of people with white guilt. We will be in tuch. 

Please consider our offer. We don’t want all us racists to look like preppy bitches.

Toodles,

The Ku Klux Klan

P.S. You might wanna learn how to block a punch too, dude.

Mr. Spencer could not be reached for comment because he was too busy sucking his own shriveled dick and listening to old Hitler speeches.




Follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.