KKK Grand Wizard Not Sure He Wants to be Associated With Trump AND Palin

LAGO CHINGADERO, FLORIDA —  Kevin Ryan is a third generation Grand Wizard in the Ku Klux Klan’s chapter that resides in his hometown. His grandfather was a Grand Wizard, as was his father, and now Ryan says he is “carrying on the proud, racist tradition” of his forefathers. Ryan told us in an interview that he was “all fired up and rarin'” to vote for Donald J. Trump in the Republican Primary in his state, but then he saw video of Sarah Palin at a Trump rally in his state, and it gave him pause.

“I signed up to support a dumbass racist,” Ryan told us, “not a dumbass and a racist.” Mr. Ryan said that “it’s one thing to support an openly racist candidate” but “its another thing entirely to support an openly racist candidate who associates with the truly stupidest person in American politics.”

Ryan said that as much as he agrees with Palin that the Chicago protesters whose mere presence was enough to scare Trump into canceling his rally in the Windy City were “punk-ass little thugs,” he doesn’t very much like his preferred candidate “being associated with the American political equivalent of the AIDS virus combined with ass cancer.”

“As a racist Klan member who believes my white skin is a lifetime accomplishment,” Ryan said, “even I think Palin is too dumb to operate an On/Off switch, much less run any governmental agency. And it gives me great pause, as a hood-wearing Grand Wizard, that Trump would consort with such a known and famous dumbass.”

Kevin told us that if Palin is willing to “racist up her rhetoric,” he’d feel much better about her relationship with Trump. Her advocacy for the restaurant chain Chik-Fil-A makes him “pleased” but he says “homophobia just isn’t as fun as good ol’ fashioned American racism.”

“The bottom line,” Kevin told us, “is that I want to vote for a racist for president. But I want to vote for the right racist. Associating with Sarah Palin is a bridge to Stupid Town too far for me.” Then, after pausing and thinking about it, Ryan said, “Then again, I don’t know when the next openly racist guy will run, so well, YOLO!”

Many pundits are predicting a brokered convention, as it’s generally assumed that the Republican establishment does not want Trump as its figurehead for the next four years. Ryan says he’s not worried about what “party elites” think, but he is worried that Trump is hanging out with “a woman who literally doesn’t think…about anything!” Trump currently leads in delegate count and is considered the odds-on favorite to win the Republican nomination and face the Democratic nominee this November.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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