Kirstjen Nielsen Filling Out Employment Application At On The Border Mexican Grill

GOLD HILLS, VIRGINIA — Former Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen will be in need of gainful employment very soon.

Last week, Nielsen was asked for her resignation by President Donald Trump, and tendered it. The relationship between Trump and his DHS chief had grown cold and distant according to several mainstream reports. Nielsen would clash with Trump when he would request that her department take increasingly more stringent and strict stances on immigration policies, demanding that families be separated again, and screaming at her that she wasn’t doing enough about illegal immigration.

Now, with her role at DHS over, Nielsen knows she needs to secure a paycheck again, and she’s turning to the private sector.

“I’ve applied at Applebee’s, Olive Garden, and Denny’s this week,” Nielsen said, calling on her past as a waitress in a pie shop. “I’d apply at IHOP, but after my performance and the damage that my reputation took, no one with an international business of any kind wants to work with me.”

Former Secretary Nielsen thinks she may have come up with a solution to her employment woes, however. Just before publication, Nielsen was spotted at On The Border Mexican Grill and Cantina. The cuisine at On the Border is American-ized Mexican food, which Nielsen said she “quite enjoys.” Ms. Nielsen believes her experience in trying to help President Trump get his promised border wall erected could come in quite handy at the restaurant.

“If I can deal with a tantrum throwing 72-year old spoiled man baby, I can handle it when a 72-year-old customer demands the early bird special at 7pm,” Nielsen said.

The interview process was a bit harrowing, Nielsen, said, when she arrived at the restaurant to speak to the manager, and found two small kids “just hanging out.”

“I wasn’t sure whose kids they were, so I stuffed them into a pantry and locked the doors,” Nielsen said, “Because that’s what you do with kids that aren’t yours. It turns out, those were the manager’s kids! Oopise! But luckily she wasn’t too upset with me. I think I’ve still got an outside chance at this job.”

If On the Border Mexican Grill doesn’t hire Nielsen, she isn’t overly worried.

“I can always do the speech circuit,” Nielsen said. “I heard the people who helped Hitler build the camps and implement his Final Solution made tons of money giving public speeches and stuff. It can’t be too much different for me.”

Reached for comment, President Trump said he “wishes Sec. Almost Looks Like Vanky Baby the best.” He also was wondering if she bring him back “one of those Mexican hamburger wrap things” after her first shift.

This story is developing.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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