Kirk Cameron Renounces Faith; Ready To ‘Start Picking Up All That Sweet Growing Pains P**n.’

In the 1980s, Kirk Cameron was one of the hottest young stars in Hollywood.

Cameron began starring on a network sitcom called “Growing Pains” in 1985 and almost overnight was turned into a teenage heartthrob. Kirk was peers at the time with other young TV actors like Michael J. Fox. Like Fox Cameron made a transition from television to the movies, however Cameron’s box office cache didn’t end up being quiet as bankable as Fox’s.

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Regardless of how Cameron’s movies did, he was still starring on one of the highest-rated TV shows at the time. Before “Growing Pains” went off the air in 1992, Cameron is candid about the fact that he went through a major transformation in his life. Cast and crew of the show, as well as Cameron himself, say that he began to change his behavior from a fun loving, young and hot Hollywood actor to that of a religiously devout young man. That was because Kirk had found Jesus, he said, and from that day forward, Cameron was an out and devout born again Christian.

After the show’s run, Cameron would go on to star in mostly Christian related projects. Kirk produced and starred in the “Left Behind” film franchise, which were based on books about life after the Rapture, a biblical event that supposedly signaled the end of times. By all outward appearances, Cameron was going to remain a strident, loud voice championing socially conservative views such as being anti-abortion and anti-marriage equality.

In a shocking new interview, though, Cameron announced that he has tossed aside his religious beliefs and at this point in his life he wants to “start picking up all that sweet Growing Pains poon.”

“Hey man, I did the whole Jesus thing. That was cool. Made a ton of scratch, loved it,” Cameron told Formerly Pious magazine. “I’m not going to talk shit on Christianity. I just woke up one day, realized I’m staring down the barrel at 50 and that I walked away from an insane amount of ass. Like an INSANE amount of ass.”

Cameron said that for many years he didn’t mind “being a totally unrepentant bigot and a-hole” but that eventually he started to wonder about what he’d really missed out on.

“Don’t get me wrong, somewhere deep inside of me I knew I was being a dick to people for no reason at all,” Cameron said, “but the Jesus freaks were helping me pay for my swimming pools and shit, and I know that in the Bible it says something like, ‘Blessed are the pious bigots’ or whatever. But I mean, you can only be a total dick for so long before you realize you’re being a total dick and no one really likes you.”

Kirk says that the success of the “Roseanne” reunion makes him think he may be able to revive his own career like Roseanne Barr is doing.

“And unlike her, I’d be going from right-wing douchebag to normal person,” Kirk said. “So that might make a ‘Growing Pains’ reunion even more popular. Either way, I just really wanna see what it would’ve been like back in the day for me to dip my stick in any pudding cup I wanted.”

Cameron explained that during his show’s run, he received a glut of fan letters. At the height of  the success of “Growing Pains” Cameron estimates he’d get several hundred letters a day. A lot of them, he said, were from girls his age wanting to have sex with him.

“And until I found God, I’d hit it, hard. Who wouldn’t? It was being offered up on a silver platter ferfuckssake,” Cameron said. “But after the whole Jesus thing, I started having my assistants send back Bibles to every one of those girls, with a note telling them to find God. So I feel like I passed up some really golden opportunities to get laid, and I’d like to correct that before I die.”

Kirk isn’t delusional, he says. He understands that most young ladies won’t even know who he was all those years ago. But he’s not looking to “score with those young broads.” He wants, instead, to connect with the women who sent him those fan letters all those years ago.

“There have to be a few women out there who want to twerk on Kirk still,” Cameron said. “I’ll take some hot MILF action, why not? Better than being stuffed into a pew and shit.”

It’s unclear at this time what Cameron’s renouncing of his faith and decision to pursue the fruits of past stardom will mean for his longstanding marriage to his wife he met when she was an actress on “Growing Pains.” Cameron didn’t address that situation specifically. Instead, he expressed a longing to experience what he could have had more of, had he not found religion all those years ago.

“I just hope it’s not too late to cash in on all that top shelf poonaroo just because I believed in magical sky people for a couple decades,” Cameron said.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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