Citizenry of America!
Rejoice! For your goodly King God Emperor, Donald John Trump I, has decreed that today shall be Election Day! Therefore, you are invited and encouraged to take part in the festivities! What other time in your life do you get in a socially-distanced, masked-up line for sixteen hours? King Trump welcomes your thanks and adoration for his magnanimous decision to allow you all to pretend to have franchise for a day, but if you’re going to heap praise on him for this decision, the Goodly King will not stop you from doing so, now.
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Though this is Election Day, as decreed by King Trump, His Royal Small Handedness would like to advise his subjects of a few important provisos, or caveats, to his most kind and generous offer to let you all pretend to vote today. These rules are non-negotiable, and will by bigly enforced, powerfully and swiftly.
Rules for American Pretend-Election Day:
- Votes for Democrats only count for 3/5s of a Republican vote
- Votes cast for Democrats during the window of 12pm-12:35pm on Election Day will be counted. All others will be summarily burned.
- Votes cast for King Donald Emperor Trump will count six times as much as Democrat votes.
- The Electoral College now counts “double.”
- Joe Biden’s name is now officially “Donald Trump” and Donald Trump’s name is still “Donald Trump.”
- Voting for someone other than King Trump could result in litigation or imprisonment.
- The deadline for Republican votes is five minutes before polls close, four years from now.
- Elections now work on golf scoring rules; the lowest number of votes wins.
- Counting Biden votes MUST stop once the number is high enough that Trump supporters cannot count to it.
- No matter what the votes say, Trump wins.
If you keep all of these very easy to follow rules in mind as you vote today, King Trump is sure you will leave having had a pleasant, but completely inconsequential experience voting! God bless Trump, and if there’s any time left over, God can bless America too, or whatever!
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.