FRANKFORT, KENTUCKY — Republicans in the Kentucky state legislature have announced they will soon bring a resolution to the floor that would drastically change how abortions are sought and carried out in the state.
“First of all, we didn’t want Alabama, Missouri, Tennessee, or Ohio having all the gender oppressive fun,” State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen told reporters at a press conference announcing HB TK421, the new abortion law and fifteen other state legislators have cosponsored, “and secondly, and almost just as importantly, every life form on this planet is worth protecting until it’s born and then that little taker better learn to get a job, know what I mean?”
Rep. Thompaulsen told the media that he and his fellow Republicans were “divinely inspired” by the abortion ban restrictions passed in various red states this year, and wanted to make a similar “stab at protecting the unborn.” Thompaulsen said, though, that Kentucky Republicans didn’t feel the other bills “went far enough” and they came up with the key difference between the two laws.
“It’s just not enough to set the arbitrary line at which we decide a zygote has a full complement of constitutional protections that somehow supersede its host organism at six days after conception,” Thompaulsen insisted, “we wanted to move the line of defense against the outright murder of blastocysts to the earliest point possible.”
At first, Thompaulsen says Kentucky Republicans considered setting the line at the point a man ejaculates during sexual intercourse, but decided even that might be too late to protect the unborn.
“Some couples use what my family calls the quick stomach squirt method of birth control,” Thompaulsen, “robbing a woman’s lady bits of doing the one job God intended them to do, and thereby killing millions of potential Americans. I ask you, if there was a man who wanted to murder two million kindergartners, would you let him? Of course not, even though it’s a horrific false equivalency, I’m saying this in a tone of conviction that will have my base believing it makes logical sense.”
After hours of deliberation, Rep. Thompaulsen says he had a “spiritual, emotional, and legislative breakthrough.”
“I just looked at everyone in the room with me, all twenty five men I consider knowledgeable enough to decide for women how much legal dominion they have over their own reproductive decisions,” Thompaulsen said, “and I told them if we really wanted to stop abortion, we’d make it illegal to have one as soon as you get a boner.”
The room, Thompaulsen said, erupted in applause. He said that everyone in attendance knew they’d finally figured out the legal red line that no woman would be able to cross. There was only one problem.
“Sometimes you don’t get an erection right away, even when she’s super hot,” Thompaulsen said, “so we decided that the very moment you think to yourself you’d like to sleep with a woman, that’s when she should be legally forbidden from terminating your offspring.”
There was one other benefit to setting the point of legal demarcation for abortions at the moment of a man’s sexual attraction to a woman.
“It puts the decision power in terms of women’s health where it has always, rightfully, belonged,” Thompaulsen said, “with men.”
Thompaulsen said he hopes to have the bill through the state senate and on the governor’s desk “as soon as possible.”
“Kids are going back to school. That’s when a lot of them start to get the itch in their trousers to do it,” Thompaulsen said, “so if we have this law in place by then, we’ll be saving untold thousands of babies right away. I’m proud of that. Only in Trump’s America, baby!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”