Kenosha PD Says They Couldn’t ‘Do Anything’ With Rittenhouse Until He Turned His Back and/or Changed His Skin Tone

KENOSHA, WISCONSIN — At this time, there are many questions still surrounding the case of Kyle Rittenhouse, the 17-year old white nationalist who killed two and gravely wounded another with an AR-15 rifle this week. Rittenhouse, who is not even from Wisconsin, but neighboring Illinois, has been shown in video clips posted online during the night of the deadly shootings openly bragging that he was there to protect businesses from looting and vandalism in a form of vigilante justice. The riots and looting that Mr. Rittenhouse was attempting to thwart, resulted from protests over a Kenosha PD officer shooting Jacob Blake — an unarmed black man — seven times in the back.

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One of the many questions swirling around this incident is why Rittenhouse wasn’t stopped and arrested the night he killed two and wounded another. There is video of Rittenhouse literally walking past police as protesters are shouting that he’d just killed two people. It has baffled many that Rittenhouse was able to carry the rifle — illegal for someone his age in the state — and kill people with it without even being questioned by authorities just moments after he did, and with several eyewitnesses.

Today, a spokesperson for the Kenosha Police Department attempted to answer those very questions.

“Quite a few reporters and citizens have called and emailed, asking us why Mr. Rittenhouse was allowed to leave and had to be arrested back in Illinois,” Sgt. John Sloughter told reporters today. “And the simple answer is that our officers were waiting for him to either turn his back on them, or at the very least for his skin tone to darken so regulations would allow them to shoot him with impunity.”

Sgt. Sloughter explained that the Kenosha PD has “very strict guidelines” that force officers to “wait until they see the blacks in their backs” to shoot suspects. It’s a very old regulation, he said, dating back to the Jim Crow era. However, nobody’s “ever really brought it up” until now.

“Obviously in hindsight we should change our policies,” Sloughter admitted. “Because it sets a dangerous precedent to force our officers to have to wait until someone turns their back on them and/or is black to kill them without consequences. We’re working on new regulations as we speak.”

Before ending his press conference, Sgt. Sloughter gave some “friendly advice” to people looking to avoid getting killed by cops or how to get away with murder if you happen to run into some just after killing someone.

“Pretty much the best way to ensure you not get hurt by a cop is do exactly as they say,” Sloughter said. “Unless you’re, like, a kid playing with a toy gun. Or a woman asleep in her own bed. Or a guy selling loose cigarettes. In those cases, you’re fucked no matter what. Sorry. Your bad though, for you know, being you.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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