Kemp Signs Georgia Law Establishing ‘Separate, But Unequal Democracy’

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — There has been quite a lot of news coming out of Georgia this week on the voting rights front.

To the surprise of very few, given how important the state was to flipping the balance of power in the Senate and ousting former President Toadstool Dong, Republicans in the Peach State have been mounted a flurry of attacks on the electoral process in an effort to, in their words, shore up election security. Casual observers, however, might note that election security looks, feels, and when implemented functions exactly like voter suppression. In a sweeping bill signed into law by Governor Brian Kemp (Q), Republicans made it even harder to vote, restricted what days people can vote, and even made it illegal to give water or food to people waiting in line to vote.

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This morning, Kemp signed another new voting centered bill into law, and this one contains text to explicitly “establish and protect a separate, but unequal democracy” in Georgia.

“You know, my Bible Verse of the Day calendar gave me Matthew 25:35 this morning,” Kemp said as he got ready to sign the new bill. “You know the one, ‘For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in.’ Anyway, let’s start segregating our voters, shall we folks?”

As Kemp swept his hand across the paper officially signing the new bill into law, a bluegrass band played “Way Down in Dixie.” Then, a man dressed as a 19th century house servant working on a plantation came into the room and served Kemp and a few of his fellow Republicans some refreshments. Kemp joked that it was legal for the man to give them food and drink because no one was there to vote, and got quite a big kick out of himself for that “joke.”

“This law makes it very clear that, shall we call them…URBAN voters, you know the TYPES, are free to vote for whomever they want to, and they have a fully functioning democracy,” Kemp explained. “It’s just totally and completely separate from ours, and ours takes, oh what’s the word I’m looking for…SUPREMACY…over theirs. They can vote for whomever they want, only on the very specific hours we tell them they can vote and if we feel like we just don’t trust the math when we start counting their votes, I can step and declare a winner. You know, like in democracy or whatever.”

Lawsuits have already been filed against the first round of new election laws in the state, and it’s widely believed more lawsuits will follow.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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