Kellyanne Conway To Have Her Own Line Of Extra Foil-Sealed Microwavable Frozen Dinners

WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House senior adviser Kellyanne Conway announced via Twitter today that she is teaming up with a manufacturer of frozen, microwavable dinners, with an undisclosed portion of the profits promised to charity.

“I’m pleased to announce,” Conway’s tweet read, “that Too Lean Cuisine and I will be teaming up to bring you Kellyanne’s Kitchen Kreations. Coming to your grocer’s freezer section sometime next year!”

Meal choices will include “No Scruples Scallops” and “Shame Free Spaghetti and Meatballs.” The meals will retail for about $3.99 per meal, and be made in the “Trump tradition.”

“That means all fillers,” Conway tweeted, “just the way we know you like your food, American patriots! No government’s going to tell you what level of nitrates is healthy for YOUR heart to ingest!”

Conway said she did consider a few different names for her line of frozen dinners.

“We were going to go with Kellyanne’s Kulinary Koncoctions,” Conway said, “but someone said that some people might have a problem with it, so we went with Kellyanne’s Kitchen Kreations. Maybe they couldn’t pronounce koncoctions, or thought it was about penises, I dunno.”

Ms. Conway said she plans to do an infomercial from the Oval Office to launch Kellyanne’s Kitchen Kreations.

“Now that we finally have that previous, totally disrespectful administration out of here,” Conway proclaimed, “we can get to the business of running your government like a business. Or better yet, running our businesses out of your government offices. Conflict of interest you say, fuck you, I say!”

Too Lean Cuisine released a statement saying they are “proud and honored to be working with America’s premier racist broom stick in a blonde wig” and they’ll be working with other “similarly talented woman with similar viewpoints.”

“We’ll have Koluter’s Krafty Kitchen,” a statement from the company reads, “and Tammy Lahren’s Racist Food Stuff coming soon to a store near you. We’d offer a line to Laura Ingraham, but people care even less about her screeching, racist viewpoints than these other titans of tits and derp. So, you get it.”

Conways meals will have one additional feature, new to frozen dinners.

“All my meals will come wrapped in extra tin foil,” Conway tweeted, “so you can eat and block out the Secret Sharia rays Obama beams into your home through the TV and microwaves!”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This